I just hung up with you. You had your usual excuses of why you couldn’t see me, work, your health, blah, blah, blah… Then I realized I didn’t care. My heart wasn’t thumping in my chest, I didn’t feel any tears welling in my eyes, nothing, just nervousness about putting myself out there again to be hurt by you. Then I realized I wouldn’t even feel nervousness if I never talked to you… Anymore. Ever.
I would never feel hate or rage towards myself for letting you treat me like shit. More so, I didn’t ever have to feel that way again, either! I don’t have to let anyone treat me like shit. It is never okay, it never was okay. Just because that was the way I grew up, doesn’t mean it was right. It may be what I have been used to, but I don’t have to accept it anymore.
We may have had a connection at some point in time, it may have even been spiritually divine (as I, at one time, believed), but it is gone now because I can never share myself with someone who treats me as poorly as you do. I remember the last words you said to me was that you “love me more than any other woman on earth”. That made my heart flutter and stop. I can’t even say that I love you anymore. Do you know what that does to me? The reality is that it does nothing for me anymore, but it crushed my heart when I realized that. When I first met you, I thought I could never love someone like I loved my first love. With you I fell hard, I fell fast. I would do anything for you, and I did, to my own disgust and amazement (both equally, one was bad, the other was good). I learned that I could give my all to someone. I could stand and fight for a relationship. I could face our parents having cancer, your heart attack, the dissolution of all illusions. However, it was this last the one, the dissolution of illusion, that led me to the point I am at.
I know who you are, who you claim to be, what you want to be and the reality that it will never happen because at the end of the day you can’t pay the price. I learned that I could. I changed for you. Today I realized I could change for me too, and wouldn’t that mean so much less suffering? I don’t have to be scared or anxious anymore of saying or doing the wrong thing, of worrying about when you will come see me, of being good enough. I want to be happy, and frankly there is someone else out there that will love me just as I am. Why? How do I know this? Because I am a good person. I fight for those I love. I am loyal, trustworthy and I have always got my lover’s back. I am beautiful inside and out. I never used to believe you when you said that, now I do, because I have seen the insides of so many other people. I have seen their souls and know they don’t compare to mine. There is no bitterness here, only the realization that the person I fell in love with has never existed.
I held on for 4yrs. hoping you would change. I was mostly miserable for 4 years of my life. Then I realized suffering was a choice I was making. I could make another choice, and tonight on the phone with you I did. I don’t know if you heard me, but I hung up on you without saying anything. I realized I had nothing more to say.
I don’t care anymore about where you go or what you do. I don’t even care anymore if you love me or you don’t. Only you know the truth. You will live or you will die. Your heart will heal or fail. Your daughter will grow to love you or hate you for the things you have done to her. What you do has never been any business of mine. What matters most is me. Am I suffering? Is it needed? I am finally putting myself first.
I am happy. Hmmmm… I never thought it would be this easy.
I already paid my price, I changed today and now I am gone for good.