• I do but I don’t.

    by  • November 28, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 0 Comments

    Watergate,

    I miss you. I was looking at some pictures of you today. I don’t even know why. I guess I was just bored. I kept remembering all of the good times we had. I remembered what it felt like to touch your face while we kissed. To be held by you. I remembered what it felt like to be a part of your family. I think I miss that the most. I remembered the time when you loved me.

    And then I remembered the bad times just as quickly as the good. I remembered how your new friends became way more important to you than me. I remembered how you changed for them. Became “cocky” because you were really afraid to be made fun of. You used to tell me you didn’t need to drink because you can have fun without it, and then drinking became all that you did. I wouldn’t have cared as much about it if it was something you’d always done. But the fact that you went against everything you’ve always said, drove me nuts. You would tell me you’d call me, text me, and i’d wait up for you like an idiot when you never did. Then the next day you just didn’t understand why I was upset. I was upset because I was losing my best friend and I didn’t know what to do about it.

    You made me laugh. You were so much fun to be with. I felt like you understood me. Like when we were together, no one else mattered. I honestly thought you were the one. I thought that it would be impossible for me to find someone who made me feel the way you did. I was madly in love with you. I was blinded by my feelings for you and that’s the one thing I regret about us. I wish I would have seen it coming.

    I remember the time I asked you if you saw me in your future. You responded with “I don’t know”. Wtf. I should have just left then and there. I just tried to play it off like you were going through a phase. Like it was only a matter of time before you’d realize that what you’d been looking for was here all along. I was so wrong. I was so blind and so so stupid. love made me stupid with you.

    I remember what it felt like when I was sooooo excited to finally see you after not seeing you for weeks. Then, you looked me in the face and told me you didn’t love me anymore. You said you didn’t even know when the last time you actually loved me was. You said you didn’t ever miss me. It made me feel like our entire relationship was just a joke to you. Like I was just there to entertain you. Like it was all a lie. I didn’t even know what to do. I couldn’t breath. I was instantly filled with grief. It felt like you’d just stabbed me in the heart with a rusty knife. I asked you why. You didn’t know. How could you not know? I never understood that, and I probably never will, but I don’t care anymore.

    I regret how I handled the break up. I wasn’t very nice. But I wanted you to feel every ounce of pain that I felt. I wanted you to know exactly what you put me through, so I told you. I told you every feeling I ever felt. I wanted you to see what you did. I wanted you to be punished for breaking my heart. I regret telling you that you’d be the one that got away. Because sure, it didn’t work out. But I’ve gotten past the idea that you were the one for me. In fact, I think i was crazy for thinking that in the first place.

    We tried to be friends after we broke up. I called you once in awhile. Then you started dating the one girl of your friends that I didn’t like. Perfect. At the point I realized that I wasn’t over you and the only way for me to fix that was to let you go. I never told you this though, I just deleted your number and defriended you from facebook. It didn’t even matter though. You never cared to call me, or re-add me. So what was even the point.

    There is a small part of me that wants to talk to you again. To see how you are doing. Mend the awkward space that we’ve created between us. I just can’t bring myself to do it. Every time I try to send you a message, or think about giving you a call, I just think about the day you made me cry. I get angry because I don’t want to be mad at you anymore. I know life goes on. I just wish you cared more. I sent you a message on your birthday wishing you a happy birthday, and you didn’t even respond. That made me sad.

    So. I guess there’s nothing left to say. You obviously don’t want to be my friend anymore. You probably will never know me like you once did. And honestly, I don’t even know who you are anymore. It’s kind of a shame though, because I’m freaking awesome. I know sometimes I was immature, and over emotional with you. But both of those things have improved over the last 2 years. I think if you knew me as I am today, You’d still love me. Or maybe not. It doesn’t matter. I’m not sad about it anymore because I know I deserve better.

    -A

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