• I am afraid.

    by  • November 28, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Fear • 4 Comments

    I exist.

    I exist, and it is terrifying.

    I am afraid of being here. I am scared of being alive.

    I don’t want my life gone, I don’t want to take it – I am not suicidal.

    I am just afraid.

    Existing scares me. Why am I here? What do I do?

    I don’t want my life gone, I don’t want to die. I simply do not want to exist.

    I am here, one of 7 billion on this planet, and I am nothing.

    Why me? Why me. Why me, I wonder.

    There are so many people who could be here, in my place, making more of their life than I am making of my own.

    Instead, I am here, and I am useless. What mark am I making on the world? Why am I here? I don’t deserve to be. I am doing nothing with the life I have, the life I have been given.

    Such a great and powerful thing, life, and I am doing nothing.

    Someone could be doing something with this life, and instead I have it – useless me, useless me wasting this life. Eighty years of life, of precious life, is being wasted on a person who will never do anything, who will never mean anything, who will die, who will be forgotten.

    I am scared.

    What do I do? Life is so great, and I have so many years of it left, but what am I meant to do? I feel obligated to do something amazing, but there are only so many people who are remembered as amazing.

    I am going to die one day, like everyone. I am going to die, and everyone I have ever known is going to die, and then it will be as if I never existed.

    7 billion people on this planet, and millions and millions more that came before us. Only a tiny, tiny, tiny amount of those people are remembered, only a tiny amount have made an impact, have made a difference, have done something.

    I am drowning in this sea of people, and I exist to a handful of people, and one day I will never have existed, and I don’t know what to do.

    I am afraid.

    I am afraid.

    Being alive is the scariest thing I have ever done – scarier than bungee jumping, scarier than jumping off of a platform 50 feet in the air only to zoom down a zip line, scarier than trying to shoot with a bow and arrow and worrying that I might hit someone, scarier than letting my guard down, scarier than opening up and trusting someone, scarier than spilling my secrets, scarier than anything, anything, anything, anything.

    I am afraid.

    I am so, so afraid.

    Related Post

    4 Responses to I am afraid.

    1. M
      November 29, 2011 at 7:04 am

      Utilize your existence. Celebrate your existence. Relish in the fact that though you may be one of billions, those billion, too, can relate to the notion of feeling small. Don’t be afraid – you’ll find your purpose.




      0



      0
    2. S
      November 29, 2011 at 11:09 am

      I have felt this way more times than I care to count. Usually, however, it is after some sort of traumatic event that forces me to recognize my mortality. Since mortality is something that I typically force from my mind, actually having to acknowledge it is terrifying. Please don’t feel alone in this. People everywhere, probably every day, feel this way. The best, and possibly great, part to this feeling is knowing that each seemingly insignificant life on earth is connected. We all experience the same emotions; we all experience trauma, joy, pain, love, sorrow, laughter. Despite those that intentionally cause mayhem and destruction, we are all in this crazy life deal together. Be afraid; be inspired by that fear; and you will find your passion. Good luck and know that even in fear, you are never alone/




      0



      0
    3. AJ
      November 29, 2011 at 12:38 pm

      Stop existing. Start living.

      Existence is one thing. Sentience, living, truly living in this life you were given, is another thing entirely. You can exist without living, but where is the fun in that?

      The terror of the world will only grow as time goes on. The weight of it is on everyone’s shoulders. Just because you mean nothing to a lot of people… that doesn’t mean there’s no one in the world who cares. You are the world to someone, and in this big, scary world, there is nothing they wouldn’t do for you.

      Live for yourself. Live for them. Live to be the drop in the ocean that changed the tide.

      But above all, live for the sake of living. You have one life, and you can do with it whatever you please. Change the world or just change your clothes, there is no right answer. You are never alone in this world, and there are people lucky enough, thankful enough, grateful enough to be able to walk through it with you. I know I would be honored to journey with you throughout this confusing, forever changing life.




      0



      0
    4. GG
      November 30, 2011 at 12:26 am

      Hey,

      Everything is going to be okay.




      0



      0

    Leave a Reply