There’s so much i wish i could say to you. So many things that you DESERVE to hear. However, i don’t have the heart to say any of it. Let’s get to the point. You ruined my childhood. I grew up in total dysfunction. I remember sitting in the car for hours outside the projects, while you bought, sold,and stole your drugs. i remember watching you put a knife to someone’s throat with Me and my brothers in the car….screaming at the top of your lungs about your money. Wait… your money? No it was actually my mother’s money. She worked over 50 hours a week, just to pay our rent and put food in our mouths. But obviously crack was more important to you. Do you remember when she would work a 12 hour shift, and you wouldn’t pick her up from work because you were passed out? It’s a ten mile walk.. in the snow. Seriously, screw you for that alone. That woman did EVERYTHING for you and us, and you treated her like dirt every single day. I hope you know, my very first memory was when she tried to kill herself. We walked into the house and she was passed out in the chair. with a bottle of wine and an empty bottle of pills. I sat outside, still in my ballet clothes and watched the ambulance show up and take my mother away. If she would have died that night, i can’t even imagine where my brothers and i would be. Everything good my mother tried to do for our family.. YOU RUINED. The best thing she ever did was leave your sorry ass. When i had to move a thousand miles away at 10 years old, i didn’t understand. But it didn’t take long. You are the most manipulative, dishonest person i’ve ever known. How could you use your 12 year old daughter to do your dirty work? I’ve always been terrified to tell you no, about anything. Your anger and rage is disgusting. When you followed us to florida and started living out of your car and crack motels i cried myself to sleep every night. I had no clue where my daddy was sleeping. If he was safe. If he was hungry. I knew you were alone and broken. And you will never know how much that affected me. You are Bipolar. And i know you can’t change that. But i got it to Daddy. & i will never claim perfection. But i do handle my disorder. I will never blame something on my mental illness. I’ll never desire pity or attention for it. I guess that’s one of the few things i can thank you for. When i was 13 and cutting myself you would tell my mother she should just punish me for it. When i got caught drinking and doing drugs at 14, you told me i wasn’t worth anything. But as soon as i turned 15 and came to stay with you for a summer, you brought me into the real drug world. Having me sling your pills, Keeping me too doped up to question anything. You deserved to go to jail for it. When you were arrested, i hated myself and i blamed myself. I didn’t sleep because every time i closed my eyes… all i could see was you in a cell. desperate, miserable, and hurt. I HATED MYSELF FOR THAT. and i shouldn’t have. I honestly think that if that summer wouldn’t have happened i wouldn’t still be dependant on drugs. xanax, weed, painpills, coke. it eases my pain, eases my mind. I see myself turning into you Dad. & i hate it more than anything. I can’t BLAME you for it. but you were the worst influence i could have had. I LOVE YOU. & my heart will always be completely broken for you. If there was anything i could do to make it better, to fix you, i would. I would go through hell and back if i could just change it. I know that now you are somewhat better. You’re actually working and living on your own, which is huge for you. But i know you spend everyday regretting the things you did. I know of you could change things you would, and that’s the only reason i can forgive you. My wounds are so deep, Daddy. You will never know. It will always be on my mind. I feel a stronger bond with you than anyone else. Only because i believe that you are the only one who understands how my mind works. Yours works the same way. I just want you to be happy. I know you probably won’t ever be. It kills me. It would take me a lifetime to think of all of the horrible things you’ve done to my family and i. But it only takes a moment to choose to forgive you. That’s one of the most important thing i’ve learned. FORGIVENESS IS NOT ALWAYS A FEELING, SOMETIMES IT’S A CHOICE.
I choose to forgive you. Loving you isn’t a choice. My biggest fear is your death. And with your health and habits, i know it isn’t far off. When you go, so much of me will go with you. And i promise when i think of you and remember you, i will do my very best to only think of the good things. The times you made me laugh and smile. The love i knew was there, even if you didnt show it. I’ll leave out all the rest. I wish your life would have been different, mine as well. But i can’t keep dwelling on what i can’t change. So i’m leaving it all here. No more grudges, no more resentment.
i love you, and no matter what i always will.
your only little girl.