by  • November 28, 2011 • Confession • 0 Comments

    Back in May I had just gotten out of a long relationship with someone I loved. It was hard to let go of him but I know it had to be done. I surrounded myself with friends and lots of new people. I did new things. And I met you. The first night I met you was at a party at your house. I didn’t really notice much about you. I just introduced myself and began drinking my troubles from my heartbreak away. It was a really fun night.

    A few days later my friends told me you thought I was cute. They told me all about you. How you’re not just another guy. How you are very caring. I didn’t think much of it. I had no intentions of wanting a relationship so soon.

    One night we were at a party. We ended up kissing. It felt so good. Your lips were so soft. You were so charming to me the whole night.. and the rest of the summer. You asked me non-stop to hang out with you. When I did, I couldn’t get you off of me from kissing me. I was flattered.. but still too soon. One day you told me you don’t often open up to people. You told me you loved me. It scared me. Not because I didn’t think you didn’t, but because I was scared to hear it again.
    I got in a fight with my best friends. I stopped hanging out with them which made it difficult to see you because you were always around them. I tried to make time around when they wouldn’t be at your apartment. I tried to talk to you about how hard it was at that point for me. I was feeling so low on myself that I had to find an escape. I hung out with my other friends a lot. You still tried hard and I know I did some things that made you feel like I didn’t give a shit about you. But I did. More than anyone. I just couldn’t put myself around such negative people.

    One night, I hadn’t seen my friend in a long time. She was drinking at your house and asked me to come over. I hadn’t seen you in a few weeks. But boy, the second I did I couldn’t help the feeling inside of me. I realized that no matter how much those girls were around, I would have to ignore it for you, and I did. Things went back to normal. I had forgotten all about my ex. Honestly, the breakup should have been harder than it was.. But you were just so caring and understanding the whole time that it made it easy. I didn’t think of him. I didn’t care about him. I didn’t miss him. I loved you back.
    We began to date. And that’s when things faded. I fucked up with a lot of things with you that I wish I could take back. I tried to talk to you about things but it’s so damn hard for me to just open up to people. We misunderstood each other a lot. Then I really needed your help. I was in a bad family situation and when I tried to talk to you about it, you broke up with me. It hurt me knowing that you weren’t trying to be there for me. You wanted a “break.” A few days later we met up and talked. You told me you wanted to see where things would take us. So I gave you your space until you wanted to talk.

    Immediately you would talk to me non-stop. It made me so happy knowing you were such a big part of my life still. Things became a lot less tense. We began to laugh again. We joked together. We had fun together. And finally, when you asking when something was wrong I didn’t saying “nothing.” I told you everything. I talked to you and told you what you needed to know to understand.

    The past few days things have felt tense. I ask you over and over if somethings wrong. You say no. I just need to know where I stand with you. If you’re never going to forgive me for the summer and the way I ignored you, I don’t understand. It wasn’t towards you. It was to get out of a bad situation. It was to make myself happy so I could make someone else happy. I want that someone else to be you. I want you to know I’ve tried hard to change for the better, to be more patient, to talk to you about what’s going on in my head. I want you to know, I love you.

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