I have a lot of things I would like to say to you right now, but of course I can’t. Because you’re gone. Not coming back. I have a lot of emotions racing through me.. The first one. Anger.
You were my friend, and no matter what I won’t forget you and will always love you.
But do you realize what the fuck you did? To all of us? You left us all.
You got wasted out of your mind, like you always do. Because you never know when to stop drinking. Then you go and get high like you always do. And drive, just like you always do because of course, nothing bad could happen to you right? Oh, and just to have even more fun, you race your buddy. I am mad, because your mom and dad and brother are never going to be truly happy again, and you’re to blame for that. They are torn, because they lost a son and a brother. To a fucking stupid reason. I know that’s harsh, but it’s true. If you would have walked or passed out before, or anything. You wouldn’t have hit the tree and died instantly. Maybe you would have called home for a ride. I’m angry with you, because as much as i don’t like saying it, it is your fault. And that’s the worst part.
I live with regret each and everyday. Because you were supposed to be hanging with me and everyone else that night, and if the phone didn’t die while you were calling for a ride, I would have come pick you up in a heart beat. But i didn’t. Fucking some of your best friends are suicidal because they think it was their fault. They don’t sleep without drinking, some of them are only 18 years old. Too young to have that. But they do, a lot of us don’t go to bed without crying, having nightmares and sleep terrors. I hate driving now. I avoid it all costs. Because I drive by that tree, and I shake.
When i found out that i was driving on that exact same street as you when the accident happened, i screamed. I was so close.
When i came to the tree that night and i saw your car wrapped around that tree, it changed me forever. What i’d give to take that scene out of my head, it haunts me. The firefighters putting sheets over the vehicle so you couldn’t see the body anymore, was bone chilling.
I shake because that could have been me in the passenger seat with you. I shake because, if one thing could have gone differently that night then maybe it wouldn’t have happened and for some reason i feel somewhat responsible for all it. I could have driven you for god’s sake, don’t you understand that. no, because you guys all get drunk and drive absolutely wasted. I’ve never seen so much hurt in a mother’s eyes. Or a dad that has to carry his son’s ashes- it’s not right.
And you left her, the girl of your dreams. 4 years of dating, positive you guys were gettting married- you left her. She had to fly in from across the world to come to the funeral. She was alone, in another country. you killed her inside, she will never be the same. She is torn without you. She will always love you though, and i know you will love her forever too. It breaks my heart.
I want to thank you though, for every memory i had with you, for all the fun times. I know 18 is too young, it’s not supposed to go that way. But God needed you up there, and it must of been your time, and over time i’ve learnt to accept that.
I also want you to know that by your message, you’ve allowed alot of people that needed a wake up call, to have one. Especially me. My mom and dad and sisters mean everything to me, and now, I let them know just how much i love them. I don’t worry as much or get stressed out, because i know that life is only life, and I should live it being happy- because it can end in a second. You’ve taught me to always see the good in every situation. And to use my head, because at 18 sometimes it’s difficult. You taught me to never ever take anything for granted. As sad as it is, it did take this tragedy for me to realize what a special gift life is.
There are alot of things I want to tell you, and alot of things i wish would have gone differently that night. But they can’t, and little by little i am learning new things about how i want to live my life, and you have been a big part of it. I want people to hear know your story, so that maybe they think twice before they get in the car with someone who was drinking, or if they were. Because i never want to see the face of someone who is dead in a car accident, or see the faces of the parents and siblings and family.
I love you Nick, alot of people do. Your family is hurting, and always will, but they will live on with their pain. I still can’t get over the fact that i will never see your face again. I hope you are okay, and that you’re waiting for all of us in heaven. I hope you know how much you are missed and loved down here, things will never be the same without you. I hope you know.