Not like you’ll ever read this anyway, right?
God, I never wanted it to be like this. I tried so hard to keep you near, I tried so hard to make you see. Isolating myself from you was the only way I was going to begin my healing. It doesn’t hurt as much as it would by attempting to brave a friendship with you, it wouldn’t have been normal. I hate that you lied to me so much. The funny thing is, I don’t think you meant to. She got a hold of you and that made more sense than whatever was going on with us. I don’t blame you for wanting to try to be with someone else, but if I may say, you did it wrong. You led me to believe you wanted to hold on to us. Maybe you still are. I know I am, I probably will for years. I can promise you my love will not die for you. You’re on a different path, you’re trying to grow. I understand that. You want to feel accepted with the things you’re doing and trying, but darling, once reality strikes you down you’re not going to like where you’re headed.
My words started meaning less and less to you. My I love yous were empty to you. Sure, you would return them but how much did they mean while you are whispering them into another’s ear? Have you changed as much as my head has led me to like believing? Where are you? Who are you? Did I ever truly know you like I thought I did? How long will this silence continue? I know I’m not the one to break it. I showed you how much I wanted you in my life, now its up to you. I know this letter is all over the place but so are the flames of a fire. I still get all of it when I think of us from time to time. I’ve taught myself how to stop it. I visit our photos on a desperate night to see you. Is that sickening? Or would you find that endearing? I wrote a lovely thing about being in love on tumblr, Conor re-blogged it maybe you’ll read it since I blocked you. I thought of us.
My mom has a new boyfriend, his name is jose. He has a dog named blessing, he’s a pitt. He’s a good guy. I’m not stuck hurting at home anymore. They want to move away. I’m encouraging them. My Daddy has his license back, he’s going to be truck driving again and he’s moving too. Eventually I won’t be around anymore. I’m hoping to run into you sometime, maybe you’ll say meaningful words to me. I know I’m not taking my shield down any time soon.
Cait’s trying her best to get into my head, and I’ve been trying to let her. I’m fine when she’s around but thoughts of you still breach my mind, even when we’re passionately kissing/biting. I feel terrible that I might break her heart again. I think of making a life with her and it would work out completely, but I feel as though the day we speak all emotion is going to flow back and I’m going to want nothing to do with our plans. I haven’t asked her to be mine yet, she’s waiting ever so patiently. I can’t do it yet. As you can tell I’m still hurting. You know what’s funny? Half of our relationship was spent trying to get over her. I really don’t want to go back and spend ours trying to get over you. My love life is such a mess, don’t you think?
I feel like this is the closest step to get near you again. Does that make sense? I mean, I’m not revolving myself around my tormented heart anymore, I’m not constantly asking for your love, letting something you love go will eventually come back I believe. I was digging a hole to China, everyday I was digging deeper and deeper. I strongly believe one day we will build that concrete friendship, there was no way I could do that with you being with that mess of a girlfriend, without being healed. Everything would have been rushed, it would have all been a lie just to be together again. I need to focus on me and the beginning a life. Then things should fall into place. I love you Grayson, with all of my being. I want a life with you, I want to grow with you. I want to challenge life with you. We will start again, somehow, someday.
Forever and always,