• Lovers Or Friends?

    by  • November 27, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Friends • 0 Comments

    I’m trying to get over him. He broke my heart. It’s been over a month but I still cry. I wasn’t in love with him, though after everything He said he was In love with me. I don’t believe him, I never will. I tell everyone I’m over it, but I’m not. You know I’m not. You know the truth, the truth about how much I hurt. You say you understand but I don’t think you realize how tired I am of fighting the pain. I can never forget him, not cause of how much I cared, but because Of all the scars I have now. The ones you saw me cry about last night. the hideous marks of a failure.

    “They don’t make you ugly.”
    “They don’t make you.”

    That’s where you’re wrong. They are ugly imperfections that will never go away. They are part of me, and they are a visible reference to how weak I am. I can tan my skin and I can use cocoa butter but they will never fully disappear.

    I promised you I would try and I keep my promises, but it’s getting so hard to keep going, to keep fighting. I can’t find that little light of hope to chase after. Every day you mean more to me. Every day I keep going because of you. Every day thoughts of you fill my head, but every day I still feel empty. I care about you but I feel nothing. I’m afraid to care about you. I’m afraid to feel anything for you. I cared about him more then anything in the world and he left me, I didn’t just lose a lover, I lost my best friend. His loss, cause according to you I’m; Amazing, beautiful, and sexy.

    I’m horrible though. At times I believe you’re only ‘with’ me for the sex and company. You say you’re not but If I’m so amazing then why do the people I care about keep leaving? If you last a year around me, I will be truly amazed. You’ll have to put up my stress not only from work but soon from school. I don’t know what ‘we’ are but I enjoy it. Were not in a relationship, were not dating, were more then friends, but fuck buddies or friends with benefits doesn’t seem right either. I guess what I really want to know is do you want to be more then what we are, something with a future? You’re so far from my type though, It’s throwing me off. Well I guess that’s not true. I like my guys, tall white and nerdy. You are well you’re taller than me, you’re definitely a white boy, but not scar white, which is nice. You are a very geeky boy. Last night you had two computers in front of you playing with music and Wii mod. Even tough I wanted your attention, it was still cute to me.

    You’re sleeping next to me and I can’t believe all this typing hasn’t woken you up. my god you could sleep through a hurricane. I will never lie to you, I may not come out with the truth right away but I will not lie to you. Last night you stared at me as the tear fell and kept asking me what was wrong. I just looked away. I finally told you it was the scars.

    “They don’t make you ugly.”
    “They don’t make you.”

    I wish I could believe you. I wish I could feel something. I wish I knew what you felt for me. Neither of us know hat we want. But we both say we don’t want a relationship. If it’s meant to happen it will happen in the future. You never know I could be the one you fall so in love with that every time you think of me you can’t help but smile. Maybe I’ll fall so in love with you that I get butterflies when you call. Maybe. Or maybe we will be just amazing friends and I’ll watch you fall in love with another and you’ll watch me fall in love with someone. But we promised we’d never leave each other. and As long as I have you in my life we can be what ever you want. Lovers or friends.

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