• I want my life back….

    by  • November 27, 2011 • Anger • 5 Comments

    Shiiit, you ever wake up and instantly begin to regret the things said and done the previous nights? Well that’s exactly how I feel. But I reckon there’s only myself to blame. I knew what would happen if I went there, what people would say and the awkward silences that I’d have to endure. Fuck ’em. They don’t have a clue….They haven’t been where I’ve been and seen what I’ve seen. They don’t have the freaking nightmares and they sure as hell don’t have to put up with the sleep deprivation that comes with it.

    “You have any idea what it’s like to get up in the middle of the night with cold sweat and try to wash your hands of the blood that isn’t there Gene?”- course you fucking don’t . None of them do. But you have the audacity to judge. Who fucking died and made you king of the world? Why do people always think that everything is black and white and that there’s an answer to every question out there. I am sick and tired of having to explain myself to everyone. I’m sick and tired of all the nasty looks and all the blatant whisperings going on behind my back. At least have the balls to say shit to my face people. You have a problem with me and judging by the way everyone’s reacting you’d all probably prefer it if I had never come back. Shit would sure be simpler that way wouldn’t it, well I’m sorry for disappointing you but you can all go to hell.

    I paid my dues…I fucking killed people man. You have any idea what it’s like to look through crosshairs at someone and purposefully pull the trigger with the intent of ending that person’s life?-course you fucking don’t. You don’t have a bloody clue. They try and detach you from this shit, desensitize you….. and then you’re expected to come back home and go back to living your life as if all the stuff that had expired were just a figment of your imagination. Yeah….I tried to explain that to my ex but for some strange fucking reason she couldn’t grasp the whole situation. The screams in the middle of the night scared her. The incoherent shouting and sudden muscle reactions were too much for her. I don’t expect her to understand but I wish she’d supported me. You ever smelled burnt flesh before? To the point where you just want to hurl and puke your insides out?-course you fucking haven’t. Yeah y’all think I’ve lost the plot; looney, psycho, nuts…. Well maybe I have, maybe I even encourage it so that no one gets too close, so that no questions are asked and no answers are given. The truth will not set you free, that I can personally guarantee.

    You won’t like anything that I’ve got to say. You’ll be appalled at some of the things I’ve done and seen others do. It’s fucking war man. People are actively looking to kill you in some of the most brutal and gut wrenching ways possible, and you are expected to kill without remorse, without even thinking. “Pull the damn trigger Joe”. So I pulled the trigger; and saw him fall, blood oozing out of the nickel sized hole that I’d just made in his torso. And he was dead. And so the cycle continues, whether it is friend or foe, soldier or civilian. People continue dying and the whole premise of a peace keeping mission becomes clear: Continue to survive without thinking of what has just transpired.

    You think I ever asked for this man? Course I fucking didn’t.

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    5 Responses to I want my life back….

    1. Amy
      November 27, 2011 at 12:18 pm

      Thank you for everything you’ve done! No one has any right to judge; you are a true hero!!!


    2. Trina
      November 27, 2011 at 1:18 pm

      I’m sorry for what you’ve had to endure, and there is no way that I can even try to relate to what you’re going through. Thank you for your service and God Bless you…


    3. Soldier
      November 27, 2011 at 3:27 pm

      I am sorry for what you have been through. I come from a military family and what you wrote rang a bell with me. I have heard the same from some of my family members. Know that even though you cannot change the past you can still have a good life and eventually the trauma you are so obviously experiencing will diminish. I find that those in my family who endured the horrors of war and fighting in a war are the most gorgeous human beings I have had the blessing to meet. The difference? they chose to not let the guilt of what they did destroy them; they became better humans intead, kinder, more patient and more forgiving of people’s tresspasses against them. I am glad I have them in my life. Cheers! you will be fine, have faith in yourself and in God.


    4. Ali
      November 27, 2011 at 5:20 pm

      Thank you for all you have done! You are amazing for being so strong to come back and tell your story. Know that though many do not understand or respect what you and other soliders like you do, there are MANY MANY MORE OF US WHO DO!
      Thank you sooooo much


    5. Kyle
      November 28, 2011 at 10:45 pm

      Semper Fi man. There are people out there who can help you get past this. What a lot of people don’t realize is that we send our boys out there and expect them to get the job done, no matter what the cost. And when they come back, the cannot get the support that they need from those closest to them. As our friend pointed out, there’s no chance that any normal person will be able to relate to the stuff that we’ve seen or done and that makes good people like this feel alienated and ashamed. There is no shame in what we do man. Be strong and YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS.



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