i know you’re name’s not jason, it might be but there’s no way to be sure, i don’t even know you, but everyday i pray that you exist and you are somewhere out there looking for me too.
in some people’s eyes i am just a child, to an grown adult i’m just a child, but in my eyes i have seen the world and i know how to figure out just about anything. to me i have been in love thousands of times and suffered through tragedies most couldnt endure. my heart has been broken, i have watched two of my best friends parents die, even if one was a surprise. i watched my best friend’s mom die of breast cancer. right before her eyes. and everyday i watch her silently suffer through that knowing that she won’t be there. and i miss her so much. she wasn’t even my mom but she was pretty darn close. i spent a week with them in her last month or so. and it was one of the most memorable weeks of my life. and she has taught me so much. and i am grateful for that.
i think that i could handle anything and everything. but i know that if i were to have to deal with many things there is no way i could handle it. i would break down like i do now. i’m not strong, i may look it to many people but we all know im not. i can’t handle the problems of a 14 year old girl. i’m an emotional wreck. my heart’s been broken, and i have pretended to love someone, the worst part is that i know i haven’t i can tell i haven’t. i just pretend to make myself feel better. to try and find out what it really is. see how far it will go, but everytime its no where.
i know that what i have seen isn’t a lot but it’s a lot to me, but back to the reason i’m writing you this letter. i do not know you, which may seem weird to some people, but to me it’s not. because i know you’re out there somewhere. and you’re looking for me too.
i hope that one day when i finally do meet you i realize it, that neither of us take it for granted and see what it really is and what it’s meant to be. that we were destined to be together and no matter the ups and downs we go through that we go through the head first together. and that no matter what we will always be ‘together’ i will be there for you if you can be there for me.
i want to hold my hand, or me just hold me in general. to let me know you’re there and to whisper things in my ear, to tell me i’m beautiful and that you wouldn’t want to be anywhere else with anyone else. that i’m the one for you. to be with me whenever you can and to be proud that i’m yours. and that you’re mine. that you come to my house and like my family and are nice to them because no matter what they are my family. in the middle of the night when i’m upset that you come to my house, even in the rain and that you let me cry, even though i am an ugly ass crier. and only my best friends know that. that you play music from speakers while standing on a lawn mower at my window, and that in the middle of the night you throw rocks at my window, you know that my dream is to dance and kiss in the rain, on your car. and evven though im a dreamer, you help me reach them. no matter how far off in the sky they may be that your always right there beside me.
i know that the chances of you ever reading this are slim, and that even if you don’t ever read this that you know it anyway, it would mean a lot to me if you found me soon, and that we were together forever, but part of me doesn’t want you to. because i want to recognize you from all the wrong things when the time for you to come along does arrive. i just want you to know,
that i love you.
for,? “You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect – you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break – her heart. So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there.”
— Bob Marley
but please know, i’m here waiting for you