tonight you asked me what my expectations for us are…
i told you i have none… i tell everyone i have none, because without expectations, there are no chances for disappointment…
but i lied.
i do have expectations for us… but i’m way too scared to voice them. i guess i’m in denial that you could ever be into me for real… I’ve been so broken before…i can’t handle that again. but i don’t want to ruin this because im scared… i like you. i REALLY like you. and you make me happier than i have ever been. i know how we met and how we started is way less than ideal, i mean parties don’t exactly scream out perfect relationship starters…but i want something more… i didn’t know what i wanted until i spent the weekend with you… I’ve been with a few guys since my last ex, and i honestly thought i could never feel that way about anyone after what he put me through… i never got that rush after him… that tingly feeling in the pit of my stomach….the butterflies when i knew i was going to see you… it never happened. not at all… but that weekend… i was so nervous i sat in the car for a few minutes before i walked to your apartment… worried what you would think of what i decided to wear to church… wondering how you would be with me. scared of what the next 24-48 would hold.
when i finally worked up the courage to get out of the car…i walked as fast as i could, just so i could get it all over with. i’m pretty sure it took all of me not to get in the car and just drive back home. a whole weekend. just the two of us. i was terrified.. but the moment i opened your front door, and saw you smiling face, fresh out of the shower, my heart melted a little… i awkwardly walked to the couch and sat there, waiting for you to get ready for church, and when you walked out in your boxers and kissed me… i felt it….that rush was there…and it stayed there, every time you touched me. or kissed me.
it was there, in that moment, when i knew that what i had been making out to be something casual, was in fact so much more to me. it was that moment where i knew i wanted to be yours… and i wanted you to be mine… it was that moment when you went from being insanely attractive to downright gorgeous. it was like a switch had been flipped, and my eyes were open to see the light of what was right in front of me.
i am still terrified of this whole thing…i’m terrified of what i know you can do to me, especially at this point. i know how good you can make me feel, but i also know that you could break me. you could break me with one short sentence…i just want to be friends. I’ve heard it before. it hurt me before, but i have a feeling that if i hear it from you it would be at least 10 times worse…you’ve grown on me to the point where i don’t want to just be your friend…
but until i know what you want. until i know how you feel, i will sit here and enjoy the time i have with you. i’ll enjoy our late night talks about the universe, cuddling, getting the best sleep imaginable, and everything else that we do. i won’t think about what could happen, whether we end up going into this for the long haul, or stopping this for good… i want to enjoy you while i can. i want to enjoy this happiness. i want to enjoy us.
you’ve grown to mean quite a lot to me, and i’m just not quite ready to lose you… i’m not sure if i’ll ever be ready for that…but right now, this is who i am, this is what i can give you. and i’m sorry for lying, i just don’t think i could handle the consequences of the truth if your response isn’t what i want to hear.