I can’t sleep tonight, knowing that tomorrow I’ll see you. It’s a bittersweet feeling, seeing you and yet knowing that you won’t be mine. I wish I could just storm right up to you and demand for you to tell me how you really feel about me.
I wish I could… But nothing I’ve ever done to win you back has worked.
When we were first ‘together,’ we were a mess. We were immature children trying to find ourselves in the world of teenagers. I treated you terribly, and I’m glad it ended. We couldn’t have handled it for much longer.
But then… A year later…
It was perfect. I didn’t believe it would be, but it was. You were the one for me. I loved the awkwardness of holding your hand in the basement of M’s house for the first time, and the way my head fit perfectly on your shoulder. There was still drama, sure, but we seemed to rise above it. We were never official, but everyone knew we were each other’s. I knew you were mine.
I remember telling you how i felt about you out loud for the first time. I had been planning that for months, did you know? I wanted it to be perfect. I was so nervous, but finally I whispered the truth to you:
“I love you.”
You squeezed me closer to you as you confirmed that you felt the same way.
I love the way you hug me, as if for that second I am the only one in the world you want to be hugging.
What happened to us after that night? Summer happened. I spent time with my family while you spent your month at Startalk. By the time school resumed, we had drifted apart. I pretended like I wasn’t interested, but I was never any good at pretending with you. I called you one night and asked you to tell me if we could be together again. You refused, saying you cared but I wasn’t old enough to have the seriousness of a relationship I wanted with you. I cried over you, but eventually I grew strong, knowing that there were only X number of days until my birthday.
I teased you about your feelings for other girls, to see how you’d react and if you really cared for them as they did for you. I ended up just letting myself hurt more as you openly welcomed their affections but denied mine.
A month after my birthday, I decided it was time. I wrote a letter, pouring my heart out in my smudged words, asking you if you could give me a chance.
When you again told me no, I was lost and confused. You said that you weren’t good enough for me; I said I didn’t care. You said you didn’t want to hurt your best friend who loved you, who had KISSED you, by choosing me over her. Instead, you chose to be alone and hurt both of us.
Why is it that I keep coming back to you? You hurt me, time after time, but I still want you by my side.
I still love you.
If you ever read this, please please contact me. If there’s any possibility you might feel the same way for me as I do for you, tell me so. If you’re not sure whether I want to be with you, my answer is this: I want to be with you forever. I love you. I love you.
I love you.