Oh Dad…I can’t help but cry when I think of you…so many things remind me of you…places our family has been. Sites we saw together, late at night going to B&N to read for hours. Your smiling face, no matter how many times I try to tell myself that the car accident happened -I still can’t believe it. I just can’t believe it. I still think you’re at work doing the day and at night when I come home I still think you’re out late working and you’ll come home. And maybe if I stay up late enough you’ll come through that door, tired but happy to see me. I keep hoping and praying that it isn’t true, that you’re not gone that I’m living a true nightmare. I’m so angry at myself-I wish I would have gone with you on vacation, instead of going to my 2nd job-I got a 2nd job so you wouldn’t have to work so hard. You worked so hard for us Dad, you took care of everything and no matter what you could always make us smile.
I remember the last time I saw you, you were falling asleep on the home computer and I shook you “Dad, go to bed you’re falling asleep” and you woke up and said “okay I will” I told you I was going to spend the night at my boyfriend’s house-it seemed like you didn’t want me to go but with a good night kiss I was off-not even thinking what the next day would bring. My aunt called me saying it was an emergency and I needed to meet her in front of my school and I knew someone died-I would NEVER in a million years think it was you. With tears in my aunt’s and mother’s eyes they told me to get in the care and my mom turned and told me “your daddy died today” and my whole world stopped. All I could think was those exact words, I screamed, I screamed and cried. I screamed our of anger and frustration- “no, no, no, NO NO NO NOOOOO! IT CAN’T BE! IT JUST CAN’T! WHAT HAPPENED!? WHAT HAPPENED!?” my aunt said “I don’t know baby, I don’t know.” I finally did get my answer.
My Dad was hit head on by a semi truck on the 126 freeway because a car didn’t YIELD before getting onto the freeway, which caused the semi to miss the car that didn’t yield but hit my dad instead. You know to be honest when I heard this I had NEVER in my whole 21 years of my life HATED anyone or anything-in that moment I HATED this person I HATED them so much I wanted to KILL them-I wanted to find them and beat the living shit out of them for what they had done. But you know what? I KNOW it wouldn’t bring back one of the most important people in my life, it wouldn’t have brought my dad back. Even if the person was caught, no matter how SORRY they are or how much MONEY they give my family it will be FOREVER changed.
The part that gets me is that I won’t have my dad there for my wedding and I won’t EVER get to have a father daughter dance, I won’t have my dad for my birthdays, I won’t have my dad for my graduation, I won’t have my dad to see my kinds, I won’t have my dad and mom grow old together, I won’t have my dad to make me smile on my down days, I won’t have my dad FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. I didn’t even get a chance to take you and mom out to dinner-that was one thing I was going to do once I had the money, I wanted to thank you for helping me and being there for me in everything no matter how small. There were so many things left for us as a family Dad-I get so sad and I ask “Why god…why would you do this to me and my family? WHY WOULD YOU TAKE MY DAD AWAY!? WHY!? WHYYY!?” I would give ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING to have you back dad I think of that song “everything i own” by Bread and it really is how I feel.
I love you dad and I won’t ever stop loving you, even though you won’t be able to read this, as long as you know I love you-that’s all that matters.
Love Always Your oldest daughter Elaina