we are so many things. always have been, if you ask me. if people ask me what my relationship to you is, i just say “it’s a really long story, but he’s my best friend”
you know the movie “no strings attached”? i joke to myself that if you were to play it backwards, that’d more or less be our story. we’ve known each other for almost 4 years now. what a roller coaster. we were acquaintances, then friends, then we had a thing the summer of ’08. you ended that because you still liked her, so we were good friends again. but i wonder, were we ever *just* friends again during that time? i think about how much we flirted and talked and waited for the other to get on facebook endlessly, and i know now that i was crazy about you, even more than i thought at the time. eventually, you asked me out and we dated for just over 3 months. when you dumped me, i was the only one who wasn’t upset with you. i was upset, but not so much directly at you. after an awkward month, things seemed to be back to “normal” and we were best friends for a long time. we still flirted because we just have that chemistry, but we didn’t feel that way about each other anymore…i think we grew and changed a lot between jr and sr year, and that was part of what made sr year so unforgettable and wonderful. you even dated one of my good friends for 2 months and while it was a tiny bit weird, i wasn’t super jealous and i think i dealt with it very well, personally. so graduation came and went, and things were better than ever. wow i love you. the you from then, i mean. you were my best friend and i wanted to just tell you how much i valued and adored you every moment we spent together. but then my 18th birthday rolled around…and things got blurry. you were the only friend in town to spend such an important day with. so we hung out. i don’t even remember what we did in the afternoon, but the evening i definitely do. we went to your house, and your mom and brothers weren’t home. we decided to *finally* watch les mis, something we’d been meaning to do since we met practically. so we did, and as per usual with our friendship, we held hands and cuddled during the movie. at one point you were teasing me about the whore song and somehow flipped me around so i was laying across your lap. and we stayed like that cuz it was just whatever, but slowly your fingers started to graze my ribs. just oh so lightly, but my brain immediately started going a million miles an hour. nothing else happened cuz your family came home, but from there things just kind of snowballed in a fuzzy series of movie nights. hands slowly crept from ribs to chest and legs and crotch, all outside of clothes. i freaked out in my journal all the time about what a skank i was being and how weird it all was and what did it mean?? stupid girl stuff that i now am repulsed by 😛
i went to visit you and spent the night over my fall break once we started college. we went for a walk to get to D and L’s dorm, but you might say we took quite the extensive detour, and we made out for a looong time by the mississippi river where nobody could see us. i stopped you and worried for a long while after that, but after a few weeks you brought it up and suddenly this hushed topic became voiced, and we talked about it for many nights over the course of november. i was in the city for a night in december so i took the bus to visit you, and that’s when i let you feel me up for the first time. as time went on we kinda just kept going, and by the time summer got going i’d given you a hand job and you’d fingered me. we’d gotten into this pattern of acting very innocent and then, once my family was asleep, just going a little crazy in my basement. ha, how’s that for awkward wording. but it’s what happened, pretty much. in august, you texted me after one rendezvous saying we had to call it quits. i was like, well ok…that makes no sense but whatevs. i wasn’t so much hurt as a little disappointed–we were having fun and our friendship was still intact. but see, you boys have a little problem with your hormones, so that calling it quits thing went out the window pretty quickly once we talked about it. and here we are, almost done with 1st sem of sophomore year in college. but somehow, things aren’t the same now. idk where it changed, but this week has given me a lot of thoughts that may or may not be legit.
we haven’t talked a whole lot in the past couple of weeks. i’m sure that’s because we’re both busy, but my brain says “you’re losing your best friend!” because she likes to freak and spaz on me like that. i tell her to shut up but that bitch is fucking annoying.
so i got home last night kinda late, and you were at S’s house. so i figured we weren’t going to see each other, which i was alright with, cuz i’m going to see you in 2 weeks. but you texted me at almost 11pm asking if you could/should come over. i was pretty tired so i said no, but you’re a persistent little bastard, so i gave in and said you could come over for a “*very* short while”. so you showed up and did the typical greet the fam thing and we finished a movie with my brother. the ‘rents had gone to bed, and then the 3 of us went upstairs. my bro went to bed and i acted like i was just going to say bye to you and be right behind him. which i actually was thinking that a little bit. but you, oh you. you reached out and pulled me in knowing what was going to happen. so we kissed for a bit, and then you stuck your hand in my pants and tried to get me to go back downstairs. i resisted at first because i really was tired. you went a step further and pulled my pants down a ways and we made out some more. and i said no to going downstairs again, but you kept saying it was safer (from being caught by my crazy conservative family) down there, which i knew to be true, and we finally made a deal that you would leave in 15 minutes. so we went downstairs in the dark and more like 25 minutes later, you left and we were both physically satisfied, we’ll say. but this whole week it’s felt more like benefits with friends than friends with benefits…i’m sure i’m just crazy, but again, that annoying bitch in my head keeps questioning what’s going on anymore. maybe we’re both just like crazy horny, and over winter break i’ll shut her up again when we’re fine. only time will tell, i suppose. but just know i love you. as many things. my first love, my best friend, my current lover-type-person…i care about you deeply. i’m holding my breath a little, but it’s going to be ok.
see you in two weeks.