You keeps asking me “What’s wrong?” I always say “nothing” of course I’m lying, you knows I’m lying. I wish I could tell you the truth… If I could it would probably go something like this.
“I hurts. He broke my fucking heart and I’ve never hurt this bad. I wasn’t even in love with him, but I would have been. He was my best friend and he left me. When I needed him the most he abandoned me. I know you were there to keep me going but every day I cry.”
You never see the tears and you never will. You’ve seen me cry once but I won’t let that happen again. After he left me and broke my heart I asked Him why and he said he was afraid of hurting me he was in love with me and didn’t want to fuck it up. What’s terrible is that I could have stayed his friend like we both wanted, but I just had to start hanging out with you. If I wouldn’t have gotten Fries with you that one day, I wouldn’t have said I was with a friend and he would have came over an apologized. I don’t blame you though. Its not your fault. He had plenty of time to tell me he was sorry. Why does it hurt? I cant smile I don’t want to do anything. Its not just from him breaking my heart its from everything this year. and I care about you but I don’t think i can stay your friend cause I don’t think I’ll be able to do it again.
You keep telling me you’re not like them, you’re not gonna leave me, but then you talk about how you’re moving to Dallas next summer for school, and you’re gonna join the Navy. How is that not leaving me? Selfish I know. I’d rather you make a life for your self than stay with me while I make one for myself, that wouldn’t be fair. But It’s maddening that you say you won’t leave me but you will. It’s part of the big plan. That’s ok though, I’ll be gone next summer to. I’ll be in Reno. I told you I was gonna leave and no one would be coming with me, you got mad, offended, you’re a hypocrite.
I don’t know why you keep asking “what’s wrong?” I already told you “It doesn’t matter, you can’t do anything about it anyways.” besides I did tell you, I gave you that long ass letter that I said should explain a lot. You haven’t even read it yet. I gave it to you days ago and you said you would read it but Obviously you don’t want to know what’s wrong that bad. It doesn’t matter though, like I said, there’s nothing you can do about it.
You remember I told you about trying to kill myself last year and twice this year? Well those thoughts keep going through my head. Every second of every day i picture myself dying and being free I just don’t have the balls. This shouldn’t be a surprise to you though. I mean you ask “What do you want to do?” I say “I can’t do what I want to do.” You tell me “No, You’re not driving off a cliff.” Last night you asked me what would happen if you died right now, I said “You’d be one less human on this crappy earth.” you weren’t happy about that, I said “I would be happy to be one less human on this crappy earth, I just don’t have the balls to do it.” Rather something along those lines. We have lots of conversations like that. So there’s no way on this crappy earth you don’t know I want to kill myself, You do know I don’t have the balls to do it though. Maybe if things don’t get better and I don’t ever find that light I was once following, maybe when I’m far away where o one knows me and my family is used to me not calling, maybe then I’ll have the balls.
We watched Fetching Cody last night, I was thinking the whole time “Maybe if I did drugs I’d feel better.” You’re the one who got me into smoking pot, remember? If I get the right High then I can smile and joke, but we have opposite moods constantly. If I’m high Happy you’re grumpy, If you’re happy I’m upset. I try though, I really do.
No I’m not suicidal just cause some stupid boy broke my heart, that’s just the main reason I keep crying. I’ve been suicidal for years. Even when I was with the man I loved and planned a future with, I tried to kill myself while he laid sleeping in my bed.
You ask me what’s wrong, I have a broken heart and a huge sense of abandonment caused by many people. You ask me what I want. I want to die. Every second of every day.