We’ve known each other for years now. Absolute best friends. But once we took that next step, we couldn’t ever go back. I tried so hard to be your friend after we broke up, just like you had asked. But I truly couldn’t, and I still can’t. I’m not talking to you anymore. Part of it is because I’m furious with you. But some of it is because it’s the worst feeling in the world. To have to pretend that I’m not in love with you still. But I am. I know that I am. And I know that deep down, you’re scared that you aren’t enough for me. I know that deep down you don’t want to be just friends. When we find ourselves mixed within the same group of people, I know that you’re watching me, longingly. Other people have told me. But this is what you want, right? You don’t want to be with me? You can’t have it both ways. But I’m trying to give you what you want. Being your friend is a nightmare, but not talking to you– the very idea that the night we last kissed and briefly spoke may have been the last time we ever speak, frightens the hell out of me. The fact that this might actually be it. A life without my best friend. The man who I promised, when we were both much younger, that we’d always be there for each other… Won’t be in my life?
If I wasn’t “right” for you then why do you want me around? Shouldn’t you have forgotten about me when you said it was over? If I was such a terrible girlfriend, why did you insist upon being friends and mending every post breakup fight, and want to spend time with me, talk everyday, hug me, hold me, tell me how nice I looked, text me with something cute, and act like a boyfriend? WHY? How would being my boyfriend again be much different than how you were acting?
You said it was wrong for you to do. It was. It was so wrong for you to kiss me if you had no intention of getting back with me. You have always known how I felt. I’ve been extremely vocal about it. But it’s not just one time you’ve let yourself “slip”. That’s why it is so frustrating. You’ve told me “never” but not soon after something happens that makes me feel otherwise. Part of me says “it’s over”, but some deep feeling within me knows that you’ll be back. You’ll actually miss me enough to see. The amount of time we haven’t talked is an eternity by our standards. I know that maybe you are actually coming back. That you just have to work out some stuff. Nothing too major, but enough for you to not feel like it’s quite right. I haven’t been able to tell you how much I still love you in quite some time. I know that my face is cold and blank whenever we happen to pass ways. But inside I’m hurting for you. I truly feel insane. My love is wrapped in frustration and anger. I just want you back.