The lake and sky are continuous today. The clouds a mix of gray lavender and pale yellow hews reflecting upon the cold blue gray surface of the still waters. I can’t see where one ends and the other begins. A log has been drifting farther and father away. Just a sliver of darkness upon the vast sheet of morphing colors.
It’s a mirror.
Reflecting…what exactly? The lake a mirror to the sky? I mean the sky is only blue because the water seems blue so maybe the sky is a mirror for the lake?
Everything is synonymous. Everything means everything. Everything is ugly, everything is beautiful, everything means, everything means nothing. I wake in the morning only to sleep through these days…..but that’s not true. I’m living more than ever! I just have no one to share it with….well that’s not true either, I just can’t share it with you…and you’re the only one I want to share things with……………maybe I need you……….but you left as you always do and each time I grow more shelled and doubt that you’ll ever come back…because even though you don’t deserve it my door is always open…..
Due to this random act of writing my thoughts down and realizing how they all wind up going back to you……maybe I do need you…..I’m sorry. This isn’t what you want to hear.
Each day is such a wonderful experience. I just want you to see that……….and it worries me when you make yourself out to be always unhappy. That’s such a waste of a life. Seriously, I’m not trying to be mean but it just upsetting because just think about how great it is to feel the wind, or see the lake, or be with people, or move around. I mean its amazing. Life. LIFE. To live is amazing. (I swear I thought of all of this sober I wasn’t high.)
Maybe I do need to write my thoughts down…..I’m going through phases….okay and then….not so okay. I feel adrift in the middle of the sea. The land just taken out from under my feet. I mean…I’m just confused….it seems like we both want the same thing in life, happiness, a nice place to live, peace, a small cottage to retire to at the end of our working lives….why don’t we just make the journey together? Is that question just too simple to ask? I try. I’ve tried. (to share, that is, what’s in my heart). You’re gone. That’s it.
Aren’t the down sides worth what we had…..I put so much value in the little things because after all that’s all the big things are, just a bunch of little things, this probably doesn’t make sense. I mean I just want to walk in the woods again. Or sit in the cemetery or go to the beach or lay in bed with you. All those little things made so much sense. I’ve moved on; I accept that life is this ambiguous thing that always changes, to expect something to remain for long is a futile wish. But at the same time I’ll always love you. Really, I will for the rest of my life. That doesn’t mean I won’t fall in love with others too but it means you’ll always be apart of my heart. I’m not looking for anything by writing this but I just feel like you don’t even care about what is gone. I accept that it’s gone but I can’t accept forgetting it or pretending like it never happened, that would be unbearable. I’m not trying to salvage anything you aren’t interested in anymore but it’d be nice to talk once in a while purely because I like talking with you….
I don’t know. I just don’t get it. Did you just get bored with me?