• The New (and improved) M

    by  • November 23, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Trust • 3 Comments

    So there’s this new guy…who has the same name as the old one…kind of weird in a way but it doesn’t actually bother me. I’ve written a few letters to the first M on here, but this one isn’t for him. I don’t have anything else I need to say to him. I am at peace. But this new one…I’m overthinking him. There are so many things I wish I could say but since I’ve overthought it so much, I feel like I can’t say them now. When we started this dating thing, it was amazing how much we could be with each other and forget about time passing, talking for hours and hours over coffee…or tea…whichever. I enjoyed it, and I still do. I just want you to know that this is as new to me as I’m telling you it is. This is so normal to me, it’s scary. I’m not used to normal. I’ve never just gone on dates with anybody; there has always been a history. I’m a little bit afraid of learning your history. It’s scary for me to open up to somebody as much as I want to. I know that I said I accept you for all of your faults as much as I accept you for the good things. Nobody is perfect, our imperfections are what make us human. I said that to you, and I meant it. But I am still afraid of what imperfections you may have. I have a feeling that they’re deeper than I originally thought. I also feel like you’re pulling away from me just a tiny bit because we had an honest conversation about being scared. At the time, I was still just having fun and not thinking about the future, but now that I’ve had time to think…well, it might not be good. What if this doesn’t work? I’m so afraid to put all the effort into another relationship that will fail. I’m not saying that I don’t want to be with you because I do. It’s so natural for us to be together. I just need you to be as invested in it as I am. There needs to be two sides working together to be together. I know we’re both ridiculously busy, it’s been showing lately since we’ve barely had time to send a text back and forth, but because I’m overthinking, I can’t figure out if it’s because you’re actually busy or if it’s because you’re avoiding me. I’ve purposely given you space because I don’t want to be a distraction from school, it’s important that you give it as much attention as you can. I know that and I accept that, of course. And I’m so busy with events and school that it’s limited the time we can spend together as well. I just want to tell you so bad that I want to hear about you. I want to tell you that I have a hard time asking questions that might have uncomfortable answers. I try to make everything go as smoothly as possible. Conflict and discomfort scare me, because those could lead to an end. We’re more alike than you thought, even though you think we’re quite alike. Now you’re seeing it in action. I don’t want you to be scared of me. Maybe it’s good that I’m a bit scared of you, the way you are of me. We both have to understand that we need to open up to each other on purpose. We have to have conversations about things that make us feel uncomfortable. That will help bring us together more than we already have. I just can’t seem to find the right time to talk about these things…because I don’t want you to be resistant to them. Fear is such a powerful emotion. It takes us over in the most discreet ways, trying to protect us from what is raw, what might hurt. As much as there is that is scary, there’s also the unbearably wonderful things that we’ve learned about each other. Our mutual love for music that nobody else listens to, comfortable moments that we think should be awkward, necks, coffee, conversations that last until the early morning, the sickeningly cute growl that you try to resist but always finds its way out…all of that stuff and more in these past few weeks. It’s the beginning of the possibility of something really, really good. I guess since we’ve been so busy the past week, I’ve missed seeing you and talking to you. But I don’t want to be a distraction or annoyance, so I refrain from trying to talk to you too much. I just want you to know all of these things and not be overwhelmed or scared. I want you to accept it and take all of this in baby steps, like I’m trying to do. I don’t want you to get hurt, and I don’t want to get hurt. I know you’re scared of that, too. And I’ve told you that I’m not out to hurt you..even though that could happen. Being human is so complicated. Trust in me.

    -C

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    3 Responses to The New (and improved) M

    1. Emerald
      November 24, 2011 at 12:28 pm

      Would you mind telling me his and/or your first name? This could very well a letter of great importance to me…




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    2. C
      November 24, 2011 at 9:39 pm

      I’d rather not…but this would be a ridiculous coincidence if you are the person I wrote this letter about. I would say that you should take the chance to ask whoever it is that you think wrote this letter if they actually wrote it and wait to see, but I would be curious forever to know if it were me, so my initials are cw. eek! let me know if this letter is actually something that impacts you. this world is crazy sometimes. 🙂




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    3. Emerald
      November 25, 2011 at 11:23 am

      Hmm, I was looking for a CV rather than a CW, sorry!
      Good luck with your life in any case; It seems you’re going through a lot…




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