I heard a saying once, “wherever you go, there you are” and it makes me want to give up, because even though I’m moving again soon what’s the point? I’m just gonna be a fuckup there too. I’ve lived so many fucking places, and I’m starting to come to the conclusion that It’s me who’s the problem… It kills me that I still even get excited every time I start over someplace new, because mentally I’ll still end up in the same place anyway. I don’t know what I’m trying to escape from really… or what I’m trying to find. I guess just something that makes my heart beat, because it hasn’t really done that in a while. That’s why I drink so much and do drugs probably more than I should, because when I’m fucked up is the only time that I’m excited about my life. When I’m sober I feel like I’m just passing time until I can get wasted again. It’s horrible and I know it’s not gonna get me anywhere… I literally have no idea where these last couple months have gone and it fucking scares me because I feel like I should have done something, anything. But I have absolutely no idea what.
I’m just so fucking jealous of people who are passionate about things, who wake up wanting to be doctors or teachers or something and are sure about it. People who have convictions rather than sit and stare at the computer screen looking through a list of majors and realizing with a sinking feeling that NONE of them hold any appeal for me at all. I’m 19 and yet I have zero answer to the question “what do you want to be when you grow up?”
When I was little I wanted to be a singer and I was so excited because I would write all these songs about princesses and boys and stuff, and then sing them for my parents while banging on my little brother’s drum set, and it made me happier than anything in the world. I still love writing songs I guess but I’m way too insecure to let anybody see anything I write because sometimes even I am ashamed of the fucked up inner workings of my mind… so giving someone else access to them is definitely off limits. But still I miss being the little girl with such absolute confidence. If I could go back I would tell myself to not let the fuckers get me down and to hang on to that confidence with everything I had. Because I was bullied and picked on constantly from 5th grade until the end of high school, I feel like I inadvertently let those people take the most precious thing I had from me, my sense of self worth, and now I have no clue how to get it back. Going out and getting shitfaced every night is the closest I can come nowadays to being the little girl who wasn’t afraid to sing in front of people. Which is fucking sad. But I don’t know what to do about it. I feel like anything I put any effort into, I’m only going to fail. So I’m just sitting here at 6 in the morning wondering what the fuck to do next.
I want so badly for someone to help me but I don’t feel like I deserve it since I know I’m only doing this to myself. So for now I just pray, that next month when I move again maybe this time I’ll find what I’m looking for.