Aside from every other thought, I always come back to the fact that I don’t understand why we couldn’t have worked things out.
You came to me one day, and out of nowhere told me you were breaking up with me. You said you couldn’t balance being my fraternity brother and my boyfriend. I love the fraternity, but I can’t excuse your reasoning because I saw no problem, and you never talked to me about a problem. You came to me with your decision made and I couldn’t change your mind. You didn’t think that you could get over this, or that we could work past it. Apparently, people aren’t honest when they change things for other people.
I changed for you. I got past my insecurities for you. I let myself believe that when you told me I was beautiful, that I was your favorite, that you meant it. I guess you never knew how hard it was for me to really trust that someone could want me, but I got past it because I cared about you.
Even though I’m extremely social, people don’t really matter that much to me. I can get rid of people really easily and I only let a few people matter. I let you matter, but I guess that I don’t matter as much to you.
I told you that I had trouble with the ‘L’ word. You used it freely. You said you loved me as a person, but weren’t in love with me (yet) awhile back. A little while after you told me that, we were in bed at your place and I told you I could see myself falling in love with you. I meant it.
I also said I thought my first time would be special because it would be with you. I meant that, too.
I let down all the guards I have up, and I let you get close enough to hurt me this badly. I never thought I’d ever care this much about someone else or a relationship, but I really saw us lasting awhile. I thought you did, too. You were everything my type wasn’t, and you made me the happiest I think I’ve ever been. I really hope you realize that we had more time together, but I don’t think you will.
I hope you do, because it isn’t getting any easier, especially knowing that we could have tried.