• Always.

    by  • November 23, 2011 • Confession • 1 Comment

    Ok. Fine. This is it. This is the time that I’ve been waiting for what seems like ages. It’s time to tell you. You’ll think I’m crazy. Hell! I think I might be crazy. But the good kind of crazy. The kind of insanity that you just want to let absorb your entire being and explode throughout your aching and renewed body. I love you. I fucking love you. Regardless of all the disappointments, the lies, the shame, the stealing of my innocence. I wasn’t your first. I’ll never be your first love. And you know what? It still kills me to this day. I can’t go a day without thinking about you. Even after over a year of not speaking. I still fucking love you! I can’t even stay myself or you for it. Why? Why did you do this to me? Maya this and fucking Maya that. Why damn it?! Yes, she was your first. Your first everything. Tall with dark, short hair and olive skin, stick thin, smart, introvert, artist. And what the hell was I? Short and petite with the average breast size ( at that time, I’ve definitely hit a growth spurt or two), pale skin, long dull brown hair, skinny with small curves, outgoing extrovert, a writer. The exact opposite of her. Just your convienent, scared, unexperienced small town girlfriend to help you get through the loss of her and your painfully enlarged dick? I don’t mean to sound cruel but I mean, I feel as though I have a right to be! I have a right to be angry with you. You used me, went to India, lied to me constantly, broke my heart at 2:00 a.m. on fucking FACEBOOk, came back, fucked a girl who consoled me about the loss of you, tried to get in my pants, got high and forgot about our planned hanging out time, drank when I begged you not to before my big performance, drove your sorry ass to my performance while you were drunk, cried over you every fucking day for almost a half year, hated myself and you. The worst part? You told me you still loved me. Even after all of this. Just to get inside of me and you didn’t even fucking succeed because you were too impatient with a still-virgin girl who really tried and wanted her first time to be with YOU. Fucking you. And you know what? I still love you. Maybe not the way I used to. But I can’t help it. That younger, more sensitive side of me will always live within me. She will always have a place in her heart for you. No matter what physically happened, emotionally, you WERE my first. My first everything, really. The first guy to give me butterflies, the first to ask me out with a card trick, the first to make me really feel beautiful, the first to see me completely naked, the first I ever wanted to marry and have children with ( I was a silly teenage girl), the first to take me on a canoe ride, the first to have hot tub soaks with, the first to kiss me like you meant it, the first who made me question the existence of God, the first to admire my brown eyes, the first to make me cds that reminded you of me, the first to discuss the universe and the stars, the first to take my breath away, the first to carry me like a princess, the first to call me your dream, the first to make me hate myself, the first to make me realize I should love myself before anyone else, the first to teach me so many life lessons I wish I had known when I meant you, the first to teach me how to stand up for myself when arguing with you, the first who made me dream you were mine agian after the break up, the first to make me grow in ways I never thought I could. YOU were my first love and sometimes, I wish I could hit, “rewind”, and go back to that time as I am now and make it work. I still dream about you sometimes. So there it is. There you have it. I want to be your friend agian. I don’t hate you, I just miss you. I miss what we had as a friendship for the most part. That’s a lie. I miss everything. Even after two years, I miss it all. Please, don’t fade from my life forever. I sound pathetic but I don’t care. You meant something to me. More than something! That’s all that should matter. So please, don’t think that I hate you. On the contrary, you still mean a lot to the younger me who I happen to visit on several occasions through nostalgia. Please, just talk to me agian. I want to redevelop our friendship. Secretly dreaming of a possible relationship…maybe. I just want to hear you say my name again the way you used to. I will always remember you. I will always love you. Always.

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    One Response to Always.

    1. KELSEY C.
      November 24, 2011 at 9:36 pm

      *again, *met, *stand. All corrected by the writer herself.




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