• Why can’t I smile?

    by  • November 22, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Depression • 0 Comments

    That’s all you want from me, that’s all any of them ever wanted from me. You want me to be happy to smile and to laugh. Why can’t I? I’m usually just always angry and irritated. Now… Now I can’t stop crying. I’ve run out of reason to even cry. I drive home and just start crying about nothing. I feel nothing but sadness, barely even that. I feel empty. I try so hard and I can’t even give you an honest smile.

    I thought I could do it, I thought if I changed my views on life things would get better. I was hopeful, I was trying, I was chasing after that little light, that little flicker of hope, happiness, chance. But at some point without me realizing it, my light went out. I can’t see it. I can’t see anything. I can’t see ‘us’, I cant see a me… I see no future for myself, just emptiness.

    I love when you smile but now not even your rare honest smile does anything for me. It doesn’t give me hope like it used to, it doesn’t make me smile to myself, it does nothing. Why can’t I smile? Why can’t I be happy? That’s all I want, that’s all I’ve ever wanted. I want to smile again, a real honest full hearted smile. Hell I’d even be happy with a little giggle. What do I do now? Now that my light is out I have no hope I see no future…

    I want to be happy, for you, with you. as friends, as anything. I just want to run away but I can[‘t do that to you, I wont just abandon you. But your leaving next summer anyways, same time I’m hopefully gonna be gone. Your going to school far away. I told you I was leaving and leaving everyone behind to forget them to start over. and you got upset, offended, that I would just leave you. then you tell me about how you’re leaving, did you think it wouldn’t upset me? at least I’ll get a year with you. At least I’ll be prepared. I’ll miss you though.

    Subconsciously I have a reason for crying, but I don’t know what it is. Maybe its cause I know and always knew you would leave me. I already told you I wouldn’t be surprised, you get upset but can you blame me?

    I just want to smile, I want you to see me smile, I want you to see me happy. I want to be happy with you, Mikey…

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