• What Could Have Been

    by  • November 22, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Goodbye • 0 Comments

    Dear Adam,

    I still think about you every day and it hurts me to know that you are at home just living your life as if I never existed. I think the hardest thing for me through out the trial of our relationship was knowing that you could completely shut me out of your life so easily. From the very start of getting to know you I could tell that you were unlike any other person I have ever met. You were extremely different and had such an interesting view on the world. It was very refreshing and it kept me constantly intrigued and made me crave our conversations. I also knew that you were very smart. I know that deep down you truly believe this and it is not the kind of smart you learn in school but a deeper understanding of the world kind of smart. I began to care about you on a friend level. I cared if you were having a good day or not. I know that there was no way you could not have felt the same about me from the very start because you were always willing, almost eager to talk. This is something I know you realize and cannot deny. I loved coming to work to talk to you while we would roll silverware and get to know you better. As time went on I really wanted to spend more time with you and I got the sense that the feeling was mutual. Then you suggested that we hang out. I was very willing and excited at the offer. Any chance to get to know this perplexing guy better was exactly what I wanted. Then I went to your house only with the intent of talking with my newfound friend and learning even more about you. We went to your room and talked and then out of the blue, a kiss. If you think I had any idea that this was your intent during our meeting, you are sadly mistaken. It completely shocked me, but it was a good kind of shock. At that moment I felt that it was right. I left feeling like I was on top of the world. You were different form any other guy I had ever spent time with. I didn’t expect any form of a relationship with you in the beginning. I just liked spending time with you. I thought it was mutual because you kept initiating ways in which we could see each other. I must have been pretty naïve to think a guy could want to spend time with me just for me and not for other reasons such as strictly sex. The next thing I knew I was at your house ready to spend the night. This was not something I EVER did with guys. I respect myself a lot and want guys to respect me as well but I wanted to spend as much time with you as I could because I just loved talking to you and being around you. I think I made it pretty clear from the beginning that I was not the kind of girl that would just hook up with a guy for purely physical reasons. You also knew that I was a virgin and that I was waiting until I was in love to lose it. I honestly had never been put in a position where I had been more used. You took advantage of all my weaknesses. You manipulated me in ways that I didn’t think were possible. I must admit I did form feelings for you but I think that is only natural if you are put in this kind of situation. One second you would act completely interested in me and the next second you would act as if I did not even exist in your world. I did not know what to do. Of course my first instinct was just to remove myself from the situation entirely because that is always what I did in previous situations like this with guys. But you, unlike any guy before, could play with my emotions in a way that was almost emotionally abusive. You made me believe that you cared and were interested in spending time with me, and then the next time I saw you it would be the opposite and you would almost act as if I were invisible. After I spent the night at your house you ignored me for an entire week. That messed with my emotions unlike any other situation in my life that I had ever faced. I shared something pretty intimate with you and you just brushed me aside as if it had never happened. If you were not interested in me at all I do not know why you kept this whole thing going. I tried to distant myself from you constantly but you would pull me back every single time in your twisted emotional trap. I found myself doing things that were very out of character, which was scary, but everything felt so out of my control, like I was helpless in my own life. I felt like I had no say because you always knew exactly what to say to “have me right back in your bed”. You’ve said many things that were hurtful beyond belief such as “what makes you so special” when I inquired about spending more time together or “I’ll start talking when you have something interesting to say” when I asked why we couldn’t just talk occasionally instead of focusing on the physical aspect of our relationship. Yet despite the terrible things you would say to me you kept me on your leash. I knew logically that this was a bad situation but I could not emotionally remove myself. I really did care about you. I know you do not feel you need or want anyone to care about you but that is not something one can prevent. Feeling of care just naturally develops beyond ones control, which I know, is hard for you to understand. I learned a lot about your life and you know that you did open up to me. I really believed that you were a good guy deep down and that you had a lot to offer the world and I wanted to be there for you if you needed it, which I know you did not want, but I could not help it. When you told me of your family life I wanted to help you see that just because so many people have left and hurt you in life does not mean that this would be a reoccurring element in your future. When you told me about your incident with getting arrested I wanted to be there with you through it. I did not understand why you would tell me such personal things about yourself if you did not expect me to want to help you through them. It took me until you got back form Europe to truly realize that all you did want me for was sex. I honestly did not know this form the very start and when I began to think that this could be a possibility I kept continuously shutting out the thought because I cared about you so much that I did not want this to be reality, but the harsh reality is that was the case exactly. I did not previously realize that something could be so cruel and heartless to completely take advantage of a person that only had the intent of caring and being there for them. I did absolutely nothing to you, Adam. If being there for you is wrong then yes I was very wrong but do you honestly think I deserved all the cruel repracations of your actions? It truly is mind blowing to me to think how easily you could use me and how you could do it without even caring about the fact that you were using me, every single bit of me. It took a large toll on me emotionally and I am very happy that I finally got myself out of that abusive environment. I think the hardest thing for me to accept is that you do not care and that you never did. Why this is so hard for me is because all I ever wanted for you was the best and I guess it is just hard knowing you could care less how I feel. But that is life. I am glad I went through this though. Now please don’t take this as a thank you because it is as far away form a thank you as possible but I did learn a lot about life though this horrific experience. I learned that even the ones we trust and care for can blindly take everything we have and exploit every bit of emotion we have. I learned that even the most seemingly amazing person can completely take advantage of someone who’s only intent was to be there for them and give them support and to make them feel like they were not alone in this world. My mistake, right? But it’s ok because now I know. I know to guard myself and not to care about just anyone. I realize now that I thought I could change you but that is a very naïve thought. No human being can change another human being. It is just not possible. They have to want to change themselves form within, which you clearly were not ready to do. But that was my unfortunate mistake. I just have a nasty habit of being constantly optimistic. I used to think that life was all smiles and people that care about you. I thought life was a fairy tale that would end in a happily ever after but thank you for showing me that life is far from that and can actually be quite horrific. I guess my hopes for writing this letter is that you never do this to a poor innocent girl ever again. Its fine that you don’t care about people and that you are a heartless downer that does not care for human connections but to spread your negativity to genuine people is indescribably disgusting. I hope you are happy with yourself. I know you probably are and that you will probably read this laugh and then throw it away but maybe one day you’ll think back to this and realize how incredibly cruel you actually were and how much you manipulated me both emotionally and physically. I am forever changed but I am going to use this as a learning experience and turn it into a positive because I am an optimistic strong person at heart. I wish you the best and hope that one day you will learn to accept the fact that there are people out there who genuinely care about you.

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