• i hate my heart

    by  • November 22, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Yearning • 0 Comments

    so my marriage isn’t savable. I know this. I’m pretty sure he knows this. but I won’t separate right before Christmas. I’ll give it another go, just one, and see how this works. but I’ve noticed things with others…sparks I shouldn’t. Really shouldn’t, if the age gap is this hard to bridge with my 3 years younger husband, feeling something with an even younger man is ridiculous.

    but on the weekend, when he held me…it was different. it was sweet and unencumbered by complications. he fell asleep with me in his arms, it was that comfy. and every time I tried to move away he’d hang on tighter. we have actual conversations. He has not tried to have sex with me. He makes me feel better.

    and I felt that first stirring. the one that I should run away from. but i can’t seem to get to that point. i want him to come back. i want to find that happy place with him again. but he’s also noticed something, and he’s distancing himself a little. which is killing me.

    forget the saying i hate my life…i hate my heart. it’s a traitor.

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