Why hello there, dearest sister in law/current roommate!
Welcome to our humble abode! So glad you could join us, although the reason for your stay here is pure bs: instead of looking for work and holding a full time job for the first time in a decade or so you and your husband sat on your asses and lost your house. Never mind that you had been foreclosed on multiple times and had even borrowed tens of thousands of dollars from your father in law to keep it just to lose it anyway (and you wonder why he’s mad at you?) Never mind that you bought the damn house with an inheritance with which you could have paid it off in full but didn’t. Never mind that when your father in law suggested that at least one of you finish college with that money instead of blowing it all you laughed in his face at the suggestion. Never mind that this entire thing is NOT YOUR FAULT. It’s the predatory lender! That evil man just stole your house from you and you’re going to file a lawsuit against him to get it back! Oh, and that contract you signed that gave him the right to seize your property if you didn’t pay (which you didn’t!) We’ll just ignore that, won’t we!
I guess I may as well start at the beginning. There was a time when we were friends, when you and your husband would stop by our house once a week & we’d play wii bowling, listen to music, and drink beer. What I really mean by this is I thought we were friends; it took me a while to discover that for over two years you were constantly talking **** about me whenever I wasn’t around. But you were oh so nice when I was, weren’t you? Two faced ****. I kind of f*cking hated you before you even moved in. But back to the story….
Your dog. Your poor, poor dog. We took him for a 5 minute walk, which you didn’t like at all. He’s an old man, you say, he’ll get worn out. YOUR DOG IS EFFING SIX. HE’S NOT OLD. The only reason he creaks whenever he moves is because YOU NEVER WALK HIM. It could also be because you feed him complete shit. For dinner one night all he got was a piece of white bread. That’s it. I offered to cook him up some wild deer meat and you looked at me like I was trying to feed him poison. Poor dog. You say you never walk him because he barks at other dogs. Well, he’s never exactly had a doggie friend, now has he? What a lonely life…no trips to the park, no other doggie butts to sniff and run around with. No wonder he starts barking at his fellow canines, he doesn’t even know he’s a dog! But what great reason to never, ever walk your dog. Oh, I forgot….your OLD dog. Because six is old.
It was really nice of you to cook us dinner last night though, I admit. It was pretty tasty and I mean it when I say I appreciate it. What I don’t appreciate is your leaving our entire dishwasher-less kitchen stacked full of pots and pans when you were done. You see, if I were living rent free off of someone else I might think to myself, “What can I do for this person? How can I make their lives a little easier?” But you’re not like that, are you? No cleaning. No dishes. But you’re great at stealing every single lighter we have in the house. God I love living with smokers!
So, dearest sister in law….do us all a favor. Get a full time job, or encourage your husband to do so. Hell, just LOOK for one and I’d be satisfied. And one last thing, you are very lucky to have as well behaved a child as you do. Thankfully he takes after his father and not his mom. Hanging out with him is the only thing that makes this whole thing worthwhile. He is your one redeeming feature. Don’t f*ck him up.