I have so much love to give. Sometimes, when I’m walking around, watching everyone live their lives oblivious to me, it just hurts. All I want is to take the world in my arms and kiss each forehead with all the tenderness that I feel. I want to reach out and clasp the shoulder of everyone having a hard day. I wish that the force of my emotion could take away the pain of the world. I wish that by holding someone, kissing them, feeling their skin, I could transfer all the love I feel to them.
It seems like such a terrible burden, sometimes.
To love so much, and have no love returned to you.
Sometimes I think I ought to just confess and then kill myself. Just say to the world, “If you have ever slept with me, you’ve been exposed to my herpes. You won’t believe me, but I love you. Goodbye.” But I know in my soul that this is not the way I will go. There is still too much in the world, too many to love. Though many have asked me if I would like to go out sometime, I decline. What am I waiting for? Why not any of the three who have tried to claim me in these last months? I blame my heartbreak, but I think it is actually a certain connection that I’m waiting for. One that will line up, where there are no cracks for my shame and self to mingle into a sorrowful state of unreality.
Would that I could hold you, all of you, and maybe, with each time a spot of warmth comes into your soul at my touch, it will be known to me, so that I won’t feel so cursedly alone.