Your love for your God is greater than any love you could ever have for me and that’s fine but for me, I believe in Eros, I believe in the god of love that sets bodies in motion and hearts aflame and spirits free. The kind of love that is me holding you and you holding me and no words but volumes between the covers and I-
I get breathless when I picture you next to me, my hair and your scent and our toes. Entangled.
And for you I learned self-restraint I’d never had to use before because for me, it was impossible to be next to you and not be with you.
But for you, I’d stay miles away if it meant you’d still talk to me tomorrow. Save myself the embarrassment and ignore the elephant in my bedroom.
Because for you, there is sin in the meeting of our skins and there is no joy in kindling that fire and like Maya Angelou I know why the caged bird sings but you do not see a cage and maybe for you there isn’t one. Because for you, there is a God that keeps you on your path and for me, there is a path from which it is all too easy to wander and I wonder.
Sitting next to you, our thighs inches but miles apart and my very pores singing, down to the very holes in my skin I am raw, do you see, and then I steel myself to jump off that cliff but I know you won’t hold me and for me, this is worse than never jumping at all.
And you’d die if you knew this was about you so it’s not. It’s about me and every boy that ever broke my heart. Every boy that ever told me no when I would die for a yes. Who told me I wasn’t pretty enough in so many words and still I’d vie for attention, trying to find validation in the disregard.
And one day, they said, the no’s would become meaningless. Doesn’t feel like that is today.
And all of a sudden it’s quiet, you can hear it for miles, and you push me away but I flow, rock in a river, determined to go around you and through you but you’re telling me no, stop.
All too familiar with no, I pause. Look at you. There is no yes in those eyes.