• Because you’re worth it :]

    by  • November 21, 2011 • Addiction • 0 Comments

    I feel like I don’t even know you anymore. But then again, did I ever even know you in the first place?

    You say you know yourself, but I don’t think you do.

    It’s not so much that you lie to me, but that you lie to yourself. We both want you to be somebody that you clearly aren’t.

    You like to imagine yourself as complex, but you’re actually pretty easy to figure out.

    You were hurt in your past and now you wear around it your neck like a millstone for all to see, blaming all your behavior and actions – past, present, future – on it like you have no free will or self-control.

    You deny claiming victim status and yet you live everyday with it so much that you have become what hurt you in the first place, and spread it to every guy that interacts with you.

    You keep telling yourself you’re fine, that you’re just partying, but you are clearly escaping from thinking about anything remotely serious and punishing yourself with alcohol. I honestly have no idea how you are going to live for another 2 years, let alone the rest of your life like this.

    For such a smart person you sure do love to drink yourself to the point of not being able to think, stand, or walk, let alone remember any of it. Between the lack of respect for yourself and your own body, you are slowly killing yourself.

    Alcohol will never make you independent, but the exact opposite. Is that what you want for your life? Being dependent on anything?

    I thought we both agreed on our life goals being independence and traveling the world. You can’t do that if you’re dependent on a substance. I know you’re not chemically dependent yet, but you’re on the road to it with your lack of self-control EVERY TIME you drink and your constant excuses for drinking nearly every night now.

    I know you desperately want a real mother figure in your life, but PLEASE do NOT make the same mistakes of your adoptive mother. She’s a manipulative, emotionally stunted, alcoholic, over-grown CHILD. You even realize this yourself, but cover it with joking about it, which should have been my red flag.

    Every time you drink to excess you become more like her, I can even see you already developing the burst blood vessels on your face (right side of your nostril) that all alcoholics – like your mother – get, and you’re only 19!

    You should always credit your parents for adopting you, yes even your dysfunctional mother, but please realize that she is a toxic influence on you becoming an independent, successful person. For crying out loud she named you after a shallow character in a movie that has problems with her parents and relating to people! She has practically molded you into this life of never facing emotional problems head-on and failed relationships by naming you after this fundamentally NEGATIVE character.

    You need to rise past this! RECOGNIZE. REFLECT. RECOMMIT.

    These are not the traits of a person you should be taking advice from, her ditching you on Thanksgiving is a prime example of how she views you more as a pet than a daughter. You can honor her like I honor my dysfunctional and controlling father – by promising to never repeat the mistakes they made. They have given us these lessons to learn by, and by repeating them we are only continuing the cycle.

    My brain says you lead guys on to get their attention and then dump them before they can leave you, a ridiculous high to chase for someone who was adopted such as yourself. If you don’t want it done to
    yourself, then why would you do it to others?

    You say you’ve gone through counseling, but it’s clearly not working. You’ve probably been with one counselor for far too long and need someone new who will tell what you need to hear, but don’t want to hear.

    My heart has been saying different, though it’s starting to agree with my brain more and more each day.

    I’m actually glad your texts and calls woke me up the other night so that I could be a fly on the wall to your self-destructive and downright ugly behavior when drunk. I literally had to force myself to stay on the line until 4am I was so repulsed by what you had become.

    Each time a positive memory of you is close to bringing me back under your trance I just think back to that night and how much of a selfish attention seeker you were. Typing that out gives me no satisfaction at all, but actually kills me inside to know that someone so much like myself is living on the negative side of their life, drowning in alcohol and self-pity.

    But like I said, my heart basically sees a lot of myself in you.

    The mistakes. The hurt from the past. The escapism. Punishing yourself and yet hurting others at the same time. The complete lack of faith in yourself to do better.

    I want to help you learn from my mistakes so you don’t have to hit rock bottom like I did, but I know in the end you’ll have to because that’s the only way people ever change.

    I know admitting you are wrong, weak even, to alcohol is a huge deal for someone as independently-minded as yourself. I should know, I went through it myself.

    When I came back from China this year I was a borderline alcoholic. I drank on average 200 ounces of beer A DAY…for ONE MONTH; this doesn’t even involve all the liquor.

    When I came home, I had the shakes from not drinking and immediately reached for a beer in the morning. And when my mother told me that this behavior was no longer acceptable in the States, I told her to fuck off.

    My Mom.

    My own Mother.

    The one friend and defender I’ve had my entire life, I just told to fuck off over a beer.

    It took so much strength in that state of mind that I was in to admit that I was wrong and apologize to my Mom. I was honestly going to choose alcohol over a person that loved me unconditionally, and that frightened me.

    I’m not even sure if you think about me 1% of the amount I think about you. I feel like I’m either being played for a total chump or have met my best friend that desperately needs my help.

    If you think I’m unfairly dumping on you, realize that I wouldn’t even be typing all of this out if I didn’t think you were worth it. You were totally worth getting to know – sober – I just refuse to deal with any other version of you.

    I hope and pray to whatever higher power there is that you realize that yourself. No matter what all the enablers in your life tell you about you being better drunk, you are a joy to be around in your natural state, SOBER.

    Will you be able to pull it off? Only time will tell, but I don’t want to be around to find out. Contact me when you’ve admitted you have a problem and have a year of non-destructive behavior under your belt.

    Good luck <3 You can do it!

    Because you're worth it :]

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