I hate how you’re at the top of my contacts list on my phone.
Every time I press the button I see your name.
I see your face.
I see your smile,
your cute dimples.
The masses of what ifs plague me,
the floods of overwhelming emotions.
I hate how I don’t know how you’re doing.
I hate myself for not double clicking your name to message you.
Cursor hovering over but never strong enough,
never strong enough to drop my finger.
Trembling insides every time I see your name.
Rushes of words and choked sobs held at bay,
struggling to hold it all at my throat.
the tears that disobey me fall.
They plead and yearn for your gentle hand,
to make them disappear with your warmth.
I hate that my memory cannot rid itself of your kind embraces,
or the feelings that I’ve buried deep inside.
Surfacing at every opening,
the wounds that I convinced you and myself that weren’t there,
are fresh, deep, painful.
I hate how the only way I can remember you is by throwing more salt on the wounds.
Let me relive it all in my memory.
Don’t let this feeling disappear,
don’t let this go unnoticed.
I hate how I failed in pretending.
Pretending that I only missed the role you played.
Funny how clear things are once you truly take a step back.
I hate how I pretended we could be nothing more than friends.
I hate how I was a coward.
I hate how I never took a chance.
I hate how I pushed you away with a trembling forced smile.
I know I will hate myself more if I ask for you to step back into my life so selfishly.
Call me selfish.
Call me insensitive.
Call me names.
call my name.