You’re shameless. You’ve broken so many hearts, including my own. I’ve always tried to see the best in you, but maybe this is the best you’ll ever be. I’ve always strongly believed that people have the ability to change, but maybe you don’t want to. I’ve always tried to love others, even those who hate, but maybe love isn’t what you want anymore. I’ve always been an optimist. I’ve always had hope for you, but maybe that’s the real problem. Maybe I should be hopeless. If I were, I wouldn’t have such great expectations for someone who will probably never recognize their own faults.
I’ve known about him for years now. Years. Plenty of people notice. Do you notice that they notice? You probably just ignore it. Just keep pretending. You’re so good at it. I’m not naive. I see you the way you look at each other. You tell everyone you’re just friends, but that’s not true. You’re always together…laughing, joking around, you’re happy. I’ve never seen you so happy. Why does that make you so happy?
You’re fortunate. I keep this to myself, locked up inside me. I’m too afraid to say anything to you. You scare me. We’re all scared. Scared you’ll leave us. Why aren’t we good enough for you anymore? Maybe we weren’t good enough to begin with. But you’re no saint. You make mistakes everyday. This one may be your biggest.
Maybe one day I’ll have the courage to stand up to you. I know nobody else will. Maybe one day I’ll ask you why you do you it. I still don’t understand. Maybe one day I’ll say “Mom, Daddy never deserved this. We never deserved this. We deserved to be happy. I hope you’re happy. I hope he was worth it.”
I hope he was worth it,
Your first born.