I sit here… relaxing from such an amazing day.
Relaxing and …well upset. I’m not sure why I feel upset. It’s almost an empty feeling… such a good day with something missing from it
I feel heartbroken. I feel words and energy attacking my memories and thoughts.
The stares penetrating the back of my mind. Full of hate and anger…my love was always a burden. Needy clingy obsessive. Too much. I didn’t feel too much love as a child. Maybe subconsciously I love so much to make up for what I didn’t have at one point in my life. I’m not sure how to love “properly” … just with all that I have. I apologize to the guys who have come and gone in my life. Sorry for loving too much.
I’m with someone who has left me once before. I didn’t care too much at the time, because I felt like he couldn’t handle my love. Hes here and wants to handle my love… but I do not see him loving me with what hes able to. I think that’s whats hurting me… the knowledge of knowing how much he’s able to love…and how little I feel i’m receiving…
He’s sweet… calls me baby… let’s me sleep in… grabs me a sammich when i’m hungry… tells me he wants to put a ring on my finger… asking his friends for advice on engagement rings… giving our relationship a second chance. I still feel as if I don’t know why hes doing all this. When he compliments me…they seem like empty compliments… as if we both know i’m fat, i’m not the prettiest. Sex is boring cause I don’t get fully naked or can keep up with his stamina… my mouth is too small to give a good blowjob. I have mood swings up the ante. Yet he apparently really loves me. He says he loves my smile…my nose… waking up to me in the mornings… is it just my presence he loves??
Why not my mind? I notice I feel this need to express myself a lot more since being with him… writing so much more. I have never wrote this much in my life. He’s such a muse to me… all this thinking drives me crazy. Before him I was all action and no thoughts behind any of it… I love him so much I feel as if THIS is IT. But I don’t know if he feels as passionate as I do about everything…and its so scary. I wanna tell him all of this…but im so scared. I always get in trouble for thinking …for saying it out loud… for writing it out… for feeling anything.
I love you …please don’t break my heart.