You confuse me.
After that night, I really didn’t stop thinking about you. It’s so cliche, but we were so inebriated that we did whatever we wanted. I doubt you knew, but I had a boyfriend. I know nothing happened, and we went our separate ways that night. I was naive, unexperienced. I couldn’t get you out of my mind, and I felt so guilty. We just danced, but I would have never let you touch me like that if I was sober. I tried to forget about it, and agonized over whether or not to tell my boyfriend of my indiscretions. I didn’t.
When I ran into you that morning, I was so flustered and embarrassed I didn’t even know what to do. So I stood there awkwardly as our friends chatted. I literally shook my head after you left, I felt so silly. But I figured that was the last time I’d see you for a long time.
Then we ran into each other again. I was, again, unprepared. Of all the thousands upon thousands of people in those blocks upon blocks of sky scrapers, how on earth did I managed to run into you again?! I tampered down my nerves, tried to speak to you like a normal girl. I probably failed, I am so lame… You asked for my email (how silly) and I gave it. We chatted, barely you always seemed so busy, and from there an awkward friendship bloomed. I didn’t want anything more, I figured that night was an anomaly – never to be repeated.
I was half way drunk by the time I met up with you guys. My buddy said you had called and were kind of upset that I wasn’t answering. I didn’t know it was you, we never exchanged numbers. But you got it, and I’m glad you did… That was one of the best nights of my summer. I had so much fun, it was so random. Not just because of you, but it was nice to see everyone. I really felt included in that group then, I always felt like a bit of an outsider. In retrospect, because I brushed it off when buddy mentioned it the next day, I guess you did move across the table to sit beside me. It’s so silly in the big scheme of things, but I think it’s cute. I liked that something so innocent still brings a smile to my face. Holy, dorky. But I was still learning my tolerance, and I learned it’s pathetic. I couldn’t keep up since I had next to no tolerance. That afternoon was already an exception on top of an exception. Maybe that’s why it was so fun. I barely remember walking to the club that night, but of the one bit I do remember, I think we linked our arms together on the way there. Oh I know how insignificant that is. But it’s one of those little redflags that hindsight kind of illuminates. It’s just out of character for me. I’m not really a touchy-feely person by nature. And I feel like shaking my head now. How could I have not realized I was starting to fall? We went to the party, it seemed like a bust. But I had another drink or two, it got crowded, and things got so blurry. I wasn’t used to handling that level of inebriation – I think it’s pretty obvious you are. Things were great, friends were everywhere, met new people. But somehow, someway, I ended up back in your arms. And you were good at keeping me there. Honestly, I didn’t think much into it, I just thought you were a flirt and this was how you acted with everyone. When I was leaving that night, did we kiss? I had a boyfriend. I couldn’t remember. I had no idea if we did – and if we did it was an actual accident, on my part anyways. I just leaned in to say goodbye, I think you were doing the same thing. If I’m not totally insane and didn’t make this all up (which is still quite likely) our lips barely brushed. If we didn’t pause and press that little bit harder, it wouldn’t have been anything we could have even misconstrued as a kiss. I still don’t know if that was real or I made it up – I was honestly so tipsy – but I am a worst case scenario thinker. So I assumed we did, and wondered yet again, should I tell my boyfriend? I ditched him that day to come out with you guys, he didn’t talk to me for days. I didn’t particularly care. But that sparked our – mine and his – downward spiral.
We chatted here and there over the months. Nothing really developed. The only one to question me was one close friend of mine. I told him nothing was going on between us, and I believed it too. It wasn’t until he jokingly said I should introduce you to my best friend that I too quickly said, “no.” Buddy raised his eyebrow at me. That was literally the moment I knew. I am so obvious sometimes.
Months went on, I knew how I felt. But I honestly thought you just saw me as a friend. I was fine with that. All I wanted was your periodic attention. I was going through so much with my then kinda-sorta-boyfriend anyways. We broke up, but you never asked about my situation after I told you I was with someone that one time you asked. So I never thought to tell you when we did split. Didn’t think you’d particularly care. I am honestly just dumb sometimes. Then the boyfriend and I got back together.
Things happened here and there, but nothing much. We didnt talk for weeks on end, and I struggled with the embarrassing desire to contact you. Sometimes I did, most times I didn’t. You’d message me out of the blue too. But mostly, I’d say it was me. I wanted your attention, and it was unfair. I wasn’t free to seek your attention. But honestly, I thought this was one sided. And it was selfish, but if you didn’t have feelings for me then, I rationalized, I couldn’t hurt you. My pursuit was simply for my own satisfaction. To get your attention now and then. Feel a small thrill as I felt increasingly closed in by my insufferable relationship.
I’ve wanted to end it, for good, for months. I wasn’t happy with him. I was so ready to go out on my own and live life with no hindrances and no guilt. But, I just had to stay a little longer. Just a little longer until he figured out his life. I was his support, his lifeline. As much as I abhorred the responsbility, the pressure, he claimed to need me. So I stayed. I wasn’t happy, but I could never leave a person who claimed to need me as much as he did.
Then that night…I can’t even blame liquid courage. I was stone sober. You were a few in. I feel so awful about that night. I still can’t believe you tried to kiss me. I had no idea you felt that way until then. I must sound crazy. But I couldn’t comprehend why someone like you would be remotely interested in someone like me. Regardless, I guess you were. I told you I couldn’t. You asked why. I said I wasn’t available. You seemed genuinely shocked. I was shocked at you being shocked! I thought you knew. Really I did. But my behaviour…it was inappropriate. No way to justify, rationalize, bullshit any of that. I shouldnt have acted the way I did with you. So now I felt horrible for lying to my boyfriend, and leading you on. I thought the cheap thrills were for me alone and that you’d barely even remember our encounters. I just assumed you acted like this with everyone. I guess I underestimated you. You really are a sweet guy.
So I’m going to take care of my loose ends. I don’t want you to wait for me at all. But…I do kind of hope no one comes along between now and the time it takes for me to respectfully end my relationship. I owe my boyfriend that much at least. And it doesn’t matter if you’re here in the end or not, I have already initiated the breakup. I don’t know if you and I should be together, but I do know I shouldn’t be with him any longer. I fell out of love a long time ago. Caring isn’t enough.
But you do confuse me you know? You’re so sporadic with your attention. I wish I knew if it was because you don’t really care all that much, or if it’s because you’re just being defensive – why invest in a girl that led you on and still at this point has a boyfriend? I get that. I deserve that. But if i had the chance, I’d tell you that it’s not like that. Whatever conclusion we reach, I want it to be genuine. If it happens. It happens. If not, simply doesn’t. And I’m happy to say it doesn’t change how I plan to go out the other things in my life.
You confuse me. I don’t know if it’s a good confusion or not, but I’m ready to find out.