I don’t know what to say really, but you know I never do. I have a confession, I’m not over her, I’m not ok, and everyday I think about either running away from everything or running back to her. I know she was a guiding hand in my depression reemerging. I know she manipulated me and kept me from you all. I know she lied to me, hurt me, and made me feel worthless. I know she isn’t healthy for me. I know she took and took and took from me until I was a husk of who I was. I know she made me feel worthless and inconsequential. I also know that she never tried fixing any of our issues and always blamed me despite me trying my hardest to change for her. But… I know I am still in love with her. It’s only been 3 months, sure, it takes time, but nothing in me has changed or gotten easier.
I’m truly sorry for lying to you all. Some of you understand a fraction of what I’m going through; morsels of my thoughts and feelings, but none of you know the extent that I’m suffering from her phantom control. When I dream of her I never want to wake up because I’m either reliving the happy times or am experiencing a time where her and I are together again. They’re truly my best dreams, but become my worst nightmares upon waking.
When I play our songs, I almost feel her with me because I’m, for the moment, trasnported back to all our car rides together where we sang and danced together. I wish she would leave my mind, but I’m so lost without her. Listening to our songs and reliving the memories aren’t signs of someone moving on, but if I didn’t I’d still think about her, but at least the songs bring happy memories.
I hope I get better so I can stop this facade and be honest with you all. Please forgive me and understand I never wanted any of this.
I love you all.