We were bestfriends. And then we kissed. I remember looking at you as the music played in my room and I felt it. I had never felt it before, but this time was different. And then you leaned in and joked about kissing me. It was the best first kiss I had ever had.
I don’t know what happened. Because I can’t remember that night. But I woke up in the hospital. Scariest experience of my life. I had a status epilepticus seizure, but i’m not epileptic. They thought it was a suicide attempt, but there was no proof that I had overdosed. I yelled at you in the hospital. Because I was confused and upset. I remember the look on your face when you ran out. I’m sorry for doing that I was so wrong. But you forgave me and let me apologize to you in person.
I had to go home after that. My parents had discovered my depression, my cutting, my problems. And so did you. But you stuck by me. Even though you couldn’t accept the cutting, you were there for me.
We talked every single day. Sometimes you would call me, other times we would skype. From california to washington is a long way. But it didn’t seem to matter because you were all that was on my mind, and i’m pretty sure I was the only thing on yours too. Then finally, I got to visit you. It was weird. We’d never hung out as people who were interested in eachother. I remember you wouldn’t face me when we were sitting because you were too nervous. But when you finally did we kissed.
We went out to eat too, haha I gotta say that was one of the most interesting “dates” i’ve ever been out on. Fun for sure! I almost crashed the car when I yanked the wheel while you were showing off driving with your knees. You were so impressive. Then you locked me out of the place and we pretended to argue, you’re lucky no one called the cops on you. We held hands inside, until someone we knew saw us and we let go haha. But then you were messing around on my phone and saw a text from him. I wasn’t even interested in him. He didin’t matter to me, you were what I wanted. It ruined the night. You wouldn’t even kiss me you DH.
But I saw you the next day, and then that night. You broke the zipper on my brand new, first time wearing of my favorite jeans!! The night before I left you came and said goodbye. I didn’t want you to go, and after you left, we pretended you left your wallet and you came back! And the your ADHD was getting us in trouble and we got hotel security called on us haha, oh that night was so fun making out on the stairway. But then you had to go.
You needed a line dancing partner, as you liked to say, even though you’re not a white country boy at all. So you asked me to be your girlfriend and I said yes. You sent me roses. You made me feel so beautiful. But then I didn’t hear from you for a week. You had made a mistake and were in trouble. You kissed her. You had sex with her. I remember you said you’d be lying if you said no, but not completely true if you said yes. For the time and with what was going on, I had other concerns and could forgive you. We decided it wasn’t right for us to stay together. So we were no longer official, but nothing had changed between us.
It had barely been 2 weeks before you told me you wanted us to be together again. Because you knew it was right and you didn’t want me to get away. I wasn’t sure. I wanted it too. But something inside me made me unsure if it was more of a spur of the moment idea for you. But I said yes. Because you made me happy.
Two days later you told me it wasn’t the right time. That you needed your bestfriend and not a girlfriend. That hurt, more than anything. I didn’t want to let you know. Because I always try to be strong. I don’t want anyone to think I took the rejection so hard. But I hurt. I don’t know why it hurts so much. We weren’t in a long relationship that had been going for years, but you were my best friend. And that is a different type of love.
I’m trying to act like i’m not bothered. But i’m pretty sure you can tell i’m upset. You told me that it was okay to be mad. But mad isn’t even the word.
You confirmed the way I feel about myself. I am nothing. I am for peoples convenience. And when they want me again, I come back and then they throw me away again.
Even as I’m writing this I don’t want hit submit because those negative thoughts about you I can’t imagine to be the truth. But it is. And I’m learning to not deny my reality. I’m texting you right now. You asked me why i’m upset, we were just talking about you going to the movies with your friends. But why does that even matter to you. I am so pathetic even writing this. And if you read it you might think i’m completely psycho. But it doesn’t matter. Because this letter is what is stopping me from putting knife against my skin. I’m trying to get better. I want to.
I miss you. And to answer your question, I am upset because I want my bestfriend back.