• Rock bottom… And I need your help.

    by  • November 19, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 0 Comments

    I’ve never hit this low before. I thought that I had, but now I know what ‘rock bottom’ really is. The funny part is that it isn’t even about me. I feel so guilty and terrible that I can’t make you like yourself more. Honestly, if I can’t get you to like yourself, than who can? Someone you love? Because I don’t think you can love anyone at this point. I’m in the same boat. I don’t think that I can love anyone when I hate myself so much. I wish we just knew everything about each other. That would make things so much easier. But, we don’t. And until we uncover everything, neither of us will truly understand the other. This is really unfortunate, but hey, it is what it is. And I think that if we’re determined enough, we can uncover each other’s secrets and get to know each other on a really honest level. I’ve never had that with anyone, and I don’t think you have either, but new experiences are good. I can’t stop thinking about you. Honestly, you are on my mind all day. And it sucks because even though I like you, I know that those feelings will never be reciprocated. I hate having this feeling that everything is going to fall out between us. I know it will. Because I make sure this happens with everyone because I think that it will help the other person. But I wonder if it’s just because I don’t want to get hurt again, and again, and again. Is this just a wall that I’ve built up? Probably. And I think you have the same walls built up. I think you can’t see anything that’s good for you. I don’t think you can see how great of a person you are. You can’t see your own potential in this world for Christ’s sake. It makes me so mad that I can’t help you. I can’t do anything to make you feel better about yourself. I’m not a good enough friend. I’m not selfless enough. I WANT to help you, I just have no idea where to begin. I want to punch things to oblivion right now because I’m that pissed off at myself. I can’t contain this anymore. I have a monster in me that needs to be released, and I think you just gave it the means to. You have no idea that I still want to cut myself everyday. You have no idea that I still want to die everyday, and that’s just because I don’t want to tell you. But do you understand why now? I knew you had these problems, and I knew that you weren’t telling me everything. I also know that being a ‘guy’ isn’t a fair excuse, and that I should be allowed to see all sides of you. Whether that be your violent side, your religious side, or even your inner side that no one gets to see. I want to see that. I need to see that. I have to see your broken sides to appreciate your good sides. I know this sounds corny and everything, but that’s honestly how much I care about you. I need you in my life, and the only way I can continue this is if you trust me enough to tell me these things.

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