• i don’t know what i’m supposed to do.

    by  • November 19, 2011 • To You • 0 Comments

    every single time, i get my heart broken.
    i don’t know how i’m supposed to deal with that.
    i thought you were different,
    so sweet and innocent,
    you had the prettiest eyes,
    the night i met you, you held my hand.
    and now i’m sitting here alone.
    and i don’t know what i’m supposed to do.
    when we first started talking i was almost positive i was in love.
    you were so perfect, everything i ever wanted,
    i knew i would date you for the rest of my freshman year.
    sure we go to different schools
    and i won’t see you everyday
    and you can be surrounded by girls i don’t know
    but does that really matter i trust you.
    don’t i?
    i did.. and then i was upset
    you weren’t yourself around me. and that wasn’t okay
    i called it off first, but the feelings were mutual, we weren’t meant to be,
    time to move on to something bigger and better.
    and now i don’t know what i’m supposed to do.
    after a week.
    you had moved on,
    i thought i was okay, i mean guys were coming after me, but not the way you had.
    they all wanted something from me, my innocence and i was not ready to give that up.
    it was for someone special like you.
    and now i don’t know what i’m supposed to do.
    you made out with her at a party, and i heard about it.
    i thought to myself, ‘i don’t care. i don’t care. i don’t care.’ i’m moving on. no big deal.
    it was a big deal.
    i saw you with her and my heart fell out of my body. it was like being a turkey with its head cut off, i ran around looking for someone to love me. your friends all did, and you have attractive friends, but no one loved me the way i wanted them to.
    and then i met him. he was one of your good friends, he was in our homecoming group, so i went up to him took him by suprise and we talked. i gave him my number.
    did he ever text me after that night? no.
    i texted you later and poured my heart out to you.
    automatically as if you had been waiting for me you took me back. like nothing had ever changed.
    except this time, you wanted something.
    my innocence. and i wasn’t sure what i was supposed to do.
    i told you i wasnt ready for that and you respected me.
    but you still wanted me to go far with you.
    and i agreed to it.
    we planned to do everything.
    for two weeks i waited and then i finally saw you.
    and i was so happy.
    but then there she was. crying already and i had just got there.
    and then jeramiah stepped into the picture. no one knew him.
    he was going to jail in two days for attempting murder.
    he threatened the both of us. and my asian.
    acted like i had nothing to be scared of.
    my best friends buff boyfriend wasn’t there,
    i had to go hang out with two black guys to feel protected.
    the guys that wanted my innocence.
    did i ever give it to them? no.
    but they protected me. until i found austen.
    he came up to me all excited and hugged me. we walked around after that.
    i felt safe. he was there even though he now had the chance of being beat up,
    ready to step in front of me and save me from anything.
    thats when i realized it. i liked him. more than i liked you. but did i do anything? no. i didnt.
    i went back and found you after four phone calls you finally answered. you were hiding.
    of course i was just by myself when i was a bigger target than you were.

    and i didn’t know what anyone wanted of me.
    after that night i knew that i didn’t really like you as much as i thought i did. i wanted austen and i knew eventually that is what i would get. i would have him.
    after that things got shaky. but i never left you.
    not until i told my best friend everything that was going on. he looked at me and said.
    “are you kidding me? he’s playing you left and right. what an ass.”
    after that i flipped shit. i cried to him. i knew he was right. i just hadn’t seen it. then i flipped shit on you. i yelled at you. told you i couldn’t believe you. and you were speechless. had nothing to say. you tried calling and i ignored you. it wasn’t worth it to talk to you. i went home and cried. and then later i cried more. that night you texted me. and accted like i was some sort of practical joke. like i had never meant anything to you and you didn’t hurt me.
    when you broke my heart and threw it away.
    you got head from two girls last night.
    and austen doesn’t want to risk your friendship.
    even though he likes me.
    he told me i was beautiful.
    did you ever do that?
    all you ever wanted from me was to have sex.
    i waited for my first kiss until i was a freshman.
    so it would be with someone special.
    i can’t believe i wasted it on you.
    i’ve cried every day since thursday because of you.
    and i probably will until i learn to trust again.
    but as of right now.

    i don’t know what i’m supposed to do.

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