I’ve completely decided I’m going to die an old maid. What made me decide? Today’s emails. He cut me off from finances and we haven’t even gone to court yet, and yet he wants me to terminate his internet for him. He wants me to fight “the man job” in the relationship.
If I remember correctly, I courted myself. I drove 2 hours every weekend to see him, to cook for him and the family he was staying with. I helped clean and do his laundry every weekend even when I was super tired after working long weeks at the desk. He hardly ever came to where I lived with my roommate to stay. I paid for gas and food.
I remember the day he went on a medical mission trip and I gave him my credit card and told him i really didn’t want him to go. He said he wouldn’t go on the medical mission trip since it would be during our honeymoon. He dropped me off at work. He picked me up after and announced that he had changed his mind and bought the ticket anyway.
I remember putting my arms around myself after he said it was a sin to hug or hold hands.
I remember finally tying the knot and being in a state far away from home, and telling him how I felt and crying because I was homesick, and he turned away from me and fell fast asleep… leaving me to face the unknown by myself.
I remember the time my grandpa died, and he talked to me like a doctor talks to a patient, “Well how do you feel about that?” How do I feel?! I feel horrible! My grandpa just died!
I remember the times he lied and made excuses for it later that he just sorry and wasn’t thinking, and I made excuses for him.
I remember how I would go to exercise at the fitness center and he would tell me I could go here or I couldn’t go there.
I remember the day I lost myself. I needed a friend… him… and all he wanted to talk about was medical stuff.
I remember the days we would argue and I wanted to talk. He said no. If I pleaded with him to just work it out he would say okay that’s 15 minutes that i can’t talk to you and then if I started to cry then he would say okay that’s 2 hours or if I continued then he would walk out and later come back and say that he couldn’t talk for the whole day. It was heartbreaking to not be able to talk to him and him not willing to talk to me. I’ve never been treated like that. In my family we always talk things out even if we are mad at each other. My parents and I are close, and I’m good friends with my siblings. I felt like it was extreme to have that type of rule. But maybe I’m wrong.
I remember the day I realized that I had lost him… that he was somebody I never knew and was afraid of at all times.
I remember the day he said he wished he wasn’t married to me, because he had to help pay more bills (even though I was working full time too).
I remember the day he told me he had always put up a front to everyone, even his parents and family, and didn’t want anyone to think he wasn’t a good guy. I remember that day how I looked at him and thought to myself, “Who are you?” I remember thinking, “If you don’t know yourself all of these years, then who is the man that is in front of me that I’m married to?”
I’ve remember today how you expect me as a woman to give up the womanly role and take on the man’s role.
I’m tired of courting myself, of being married to myself, of being the strong one. That’s the man’s job. Yet, through all of this I’m still crazily waiting for “hope” to come knocking at the door and change all of this. I’m waiting for him to change his mind and come for me (even though he’s stated that he doesn’t want it).
I’ve decided I’m going to die an old maid. Remembering all of this and how he doesn’t want me anymore for me, has just made me realize that the “first” for everything was the biggest disappointment of my life.
I did the whole courting thing. I prayed. I tied the knot. My heart was broken. I never want to do this again.
Waiting to be an old maid