• How can you do that to someone you love?

    by  • November 18, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Abuse • 0 Comments

    P.M.,
    There are so many things I would like to say to you. So many questions I would like to ask. But if I saw you today, I don’t think I could say anything. You took away four years of my life. Years that I could have used to grow into a beautiful, smart woman. I loved you. I fell hard in love at 14 years old. No one thought to save me, because no one knew what you would turn into.

    The memory of you burns in my mind all the time. I’m sorry you’re depressed and unhappy with yourself and your life. But did you have to take it all out on me? I was so young. I’m still young. I’m trying to pick the pieces of myself up off the floor right now. But I just can’t. I think some of them are missing. You’ve destroyed a part of me. I feel like there’s a hole inside me. That I’m empty and I’m never going to be able to love anyone again.

    You RAPED me. It took me months to accept this. I pushed it to the back of my mind and tried to forget about it. I’ve only told one person. I don’t think anyone else will believe me. You know how to act to make people think you could never do something like that. You know how to make me look like the crazy, teenage girl that’s just upset she got broken up with. I’m NOT. I’m not lying. You’re ABUSIVE. You don’t love anyone but yourself.

    I pray to God that I will never fall back into your trap. It scares me to death. I know you’re going to come back. You will be back. You always are. You’re the dark shadow that follows me wherever I go. And I’m scared. I’m so fucking scared. I want to be strong enough to resist you. I want to be strong enough to tell you to go away. People don’t understand why this is hard. No one understands. That’s why this is so difficult. Who do I turn to? Sure I have friends. But none of them have ever been through anything like this. And I’m not even strong enough to talk about what you did to me. I can’t even tell my mom. I tell her everything. I’m embarrassed that I stayed with you for so long. How will anyone understand why I let you treat me like that? I feel like it’s my fault. I could have left. I could have saved myself. So who’s really to blame?

    And so I’ll end this with one request. Please stay away from me. Don’t ever come back. I don’t want to see you ever again.

    -S.M.

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