• for serial?

    by  • November 18, 2011 • Forgiveness • 0 Comments

    i moved here to escape everything that was wrong. i mean there was a lot wrong before you even came along. and i think at some point you caught on to it, but just ignored it. it wasn’t you in particular that threw me over the edge, it was gonna happen anyways but you just happened to be the one to do it. i told you that tonight. and you were accepting of it. but let me just break down what my life has been since you pulled a david blaine and vanished.

    *know this as a disclaimer: i will always hate you for being as stupid as you were. you threw away something that could have been great. no one will ever love you like i could have. and i will forever hold it against you for giving that up.

    ok, back to the breakdown:
    life sucked. a lot. but you know what? i kept waking up every morning. i kept doing my thing. putting the happy face on. going to work, hangin out with friends. the whole nine yards. and i did it well. life moved on. as it would. and you were but a gleam in the mirror that is my chaotic life. for a good solid month i thought “whatever, obviously it’s his own god damn problem.” i deleted you from my facebook because god knows i was checking it every day to make sure you were fine and functioning. but i realized that i can’t do that to myself. so i did the grown up thing and tried to delete you all together. it felt good for a second. to feel like i had some sort of control over the whole thing. but then the guilt settled it. what if i gave up too soon? i mean, you were going through your own shit. with your granpa and other stuff. maybe i should have just waited it out. been there for you when you were ready to come back and say to you “it’s ok honey, no worries” when you apologized. and then after weeks of guilt, the loneliness set in. i started to remember that every person i’ve ever put myself out on a limb for has let it break and let me fall. i’ve been betrayed, abused, beaten, used. i have never had a successful relationship. i have never been enough for a guy to say “you know what? nobody could make me happier than this girl right here.” and when i reached the lowest of lows as far as my self confidence was concerned, then every ex i’ve ever TRULY cared about started poppin outta the wood work. and i started sleeping with some of them again. which i promised myself i would NEVER do. i wouldn’t be that girl that gets broken and then buckles under the shame and the loneliness of being left. or used. but it happened. and all of them were still with the girls that they had left me for in the first place. or were happy with someone new that they had found after leaving me broken somewhere. the thing is with these new “special” people that they had found, they were unhappy because they’d tell me she’d “never be as sweet as you” or would “never love me the way you did”… whatever excuse, i heard it all. and i went with it. and everyday i’d see you on skype. and everyday i’d want to message you and tell you how bad it hurt for you to just vanish and how much i truly and deeply missed just looking at you. i mean, we weren’t even serious, right? it was clear that i cared a lot about you, a helluva lot more than you cared about me. i was borderline falling for you. and i thought maybe you’d come around. maybe you’d wake up some day or be talking to me some day and think “man… this chick is flippin neato, and i’m damn lucky to have her around.” but you never did. you kept me around for some random reason. sex. attention. just for the fun of it. i don’t know. and then you just peaced out when it was convenient for you.

    i wanna know what in your mind thought such an abrupt break was for the best. what sadistic voice in your head said “screw her, man. you’ve gotten all you can get out of her. she’s hooked on you like fuckin crack, fool. time to go”? cuz that shit’s fucked up. and you’re a terrible person because of it.

    you should have just stayed away the first time you took a hiatus. you knew how i felt about you. you could sense it. and you fed on it. and i was broken because of it. but like i said..

    i woke up. and the sun set and rose every day that you were gone. the world didn’t stop.

    and i went home. and i was sitting on the beach that i had been going to my whole life. and it hit me that i put other people before myself more often than i should. i have no sense of self worth.. at all. and that’s terrible! i am AMAZING!! i have achieved and accomplished and survived more than you or anyone i know could understand. you will never know the truly epic tale of my perseverance. my will to live. because even though there were days where waking up seemed like the hardest thing in the world, and faking one more smile might make me go on a killing spree, i still got up. and i will continue to get up despite you.

    now. i’ve moved my whole life nearly 1300 miles away from you. from everyone that has ever done me and my heart wrong. i might not have a solid plan. but i’m among people that actually give a shit about my life. my family will never vanish. those that i’ve known and loved and that have died are still with me always. i can feel it. i am getting to the point where i can honestly say that i am responsible for my own happiness. anything that comes of me living here again is my doing. it was my decision to leave texas. and i have nothing but high hopes for whatever is up here waiting for me. and it took me months to get here. fuck, it took me years. but i came back to people that will always have my back, will not leave me like you did. like so many others before you had. and in my triumphant internal glory i met someone. and he’s soft spoken, and gentle, and funny. he looks at me in such a way that it reflects reverence. i barely know the guy, but in the short time that i have known him he’s shown me more respect and has made me feel more appreciated than you ever did in the 5 months that we actually were somewhat together. and on the one night that was supposed to be mine and his. the night of which i let the wall down and actually let him in… you pop out of the blue. and just pick up where you feel like you left off.

    a few things: 1. i can say with confidence that i did start loving you, and that will never go away, 2. everything is water under the bridge, what happened really did happen, and there’s nothing either of us can do to change it, but 3. you will never gain my full respect, there will always be hesitation and caution on my part when it comes to you, and you have no right to know anything about my personal life anymore. any information that i divulge to you, every word i say to you should be considered a privilege.

    forgiveness is a hard lesson to learn. and it’s an even harder trait to practice. but i really do forgive you. you were the catalyst in something that will turn out to be great. but i’m the one that woke up and went with it. i owe you nothing. do not make me regret answering your skype call tonight.

    you will always be able to make me laugh, i will always treat you well and you can always trust that i will have your best interest at heart. but know that i can not trust you or feel that you have my best interest at heart. in time this might change. but prove to me that you’re worth giving a chance to, and that you can be a good person. i know you are, you wouldn’t feel bad if you weren’t a good person. so just pull your life together would you? if you’re gonna come back into my life, at least give me the courtesy of being respectful and just being..

    my friend.

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