I had every reason to leave you, and so I did.
I have every reason to be over you and destroy any urge for reconciliation on a romantic plane.
I have every reason to remove myself from your life and live my own to the best of my ability in your absence, or rather, banishment.
You are selfish and often think of your well-being above those around you.
You are materialistic and prefer accessories over necessities.
You are high maintenance and difficult to satisfy.
You are unstable and unpredictable, especially when your bipolar episodes rear their ugly heads.
Your morals are questionable when it comes to Biblical standards.
You had troubles respecting me at times, regularly keeping me waiting outside your house early in the morning for TWO HOURS as you crawled out of bed, took a shower, and put on make-up, despite the one hour drive I endured to see you.
Your respect for your mother is on a teeter-totter: up some days but dangerously low on others, particularly when you don’t get what you want.
Even after all the deep discussions we’ve had on lust, you don’t see the problem with wearing revealing clothing, whether or not it appears “major”.
Your mouth needs some cleaning from the swearing and the inappropriate jokes and comments that spew from it, even if it’s not as excessive as many college students I know.
I haven’t heard a lot about you since we broke up, but what I HAVE heard hasn’t improved your reputation in my perspective. Rather, all I’ve heard has been negative comments, all feeding the reasons I have to stay out of your life. Admittedly, all reports have come from a single source, namely your online friend on the other side of the country whom you’ve been pissing off a lot lately, but she’s not the type of person to downright lie about someone else. Even if the comments are exaggerated, I can’t imagine that the truth is much prettier.
I had people telling me this relationship wasn’t worth it. I’ve been told that I was giving too much while receiving too little. After we broke up, all anyone around here ever said was that I was much better off being away from the “psycho ex-girlfriend”, or that they never really liked you. We had our own problems, particularly when it came to physical interaction, and neither of us stepped up to the plate to put an end to it, at least until I broke up with you. I admit: I’m ashamed of allowing things to go so far, but what about you? Are you disgusted by how much we blurred the lines, or is it something you’re likely to return to in the future?
Why did I even ever love you? Why did I hang around for nearly six months before figuring out the “obvious”? Was I leading you on? Was I disillusioned about my love for you?
No, I was not.
You see, I had every single reason in the book to walk away and never look back, with the exception of unfaithfulness. To my knowledge, you never cheated on me. But I don’t see many strong Christian men, as I myself profess to be, dating the type of woman I mentioned above, much less break up with them nearly six months later, and THEN discover that they really want that girl back because there’s more to her than meets the eye.
Yes, that is me.
Was I being judgmental at the beginning of this letter? Absolutely. But go ahead, analyze it. Then examine yourself and see if I’m far off. I doubt it, because I know there is truth in my assertions, most of which are observations rather than judgments. However, I’ve come to realize, and this revelation has been reinforced throughout the months, that I have held a genuine and pure Love for you for months now, and I find such a Love nearly impossible to suppress, like trying to suppress a forest fire with only my tears.
The only question is: WHY? WHY do I continue to Love you and desire for your return? WHY do I continue to hold on to you, despite all the flaws and deal breakers evident in your character? WHY do lovely and beautiful thoughts of you haunt me when I have SOOO many reasons to reduce my feelings for you to ash?
The answer: Because I have seen the real you.
I have seen the beauty that illuminates the darkest corners of your heart.
I have seen the passion hidden deep behind those beautiful eyes.
I have seen the aspirations that drive you closer to your goals.
I have seen the underlying compassion you have for others that doesn’t always make it to the surface.
I have seen a glimpse of God in the tears that crawled down your cheeks and the innate desire to pursue Him.
I have seen the desire to be Loved burning brighter than the forest fire of my heart.
I have seen the war for truth that takes place between the heart and mind.
I have felt the endless waves of empathy emitting from the core of your being.
I have felt your gentle touch as it yearns to wipe away my own pain.
I have felt the pain of your wounded spirit that harbors the purest and most beautiful Love for your father, and mourns the time of his passing…
I have heard the desperation trying to hide in your voice.
I have heard the softest melodies weaving a tapestry of Hope and Love from your lips.
I have heard your cries for help when you can’t bear it on your own.
I have heard your genuine thanksgiving when nothing could be more perfect.
I have heard your heartfelt prayers as they sought a new beginning.
I know the you that hides within a Shell, refusing or unable to break free in such a secular and fallen world. I have seen you. I have felt you. I have heard you. EVERYBODY deserves to be Loved, no matter how flawed or imperfect they are, and I am still fully convinced that you were meant to be Loved by me, because I could Love you in a way nobody else can. I know I’ve made stupid mistakes and have my own stupid flaws and misjudgments. But I’ve always hoped that you would Love me anyways in spite of them, as I have Loved you despite your own. Unfortunately, that doesn’t seem to be the case because you are further away than ever.
I had every reason to leave you, and now I regret the day I did. I Love you, despite the overwhelming evidence that I shouldn’t. The answer? Because you are WORTH IT!!!
So where does that leave me now?