• Conflicting Emotions

    by  • November 16, 2011 • Thoughts • 0 Comments

    Mikey,

    I don’t know how you honestly feel about me. The subject kept slipping up with us all day today, but nothing got answered. We didn’t know how to answer. What are ‘we’? At first we were just starting our friendship, then we were fuck buddies, now what are we? I think we just said Friends With Benefits. But fro the way the conversation went I think were just to afraid to be any more. After all that’s happened to me this year and everything your currently going through, it’s no surprise.

    I’m a shallow person. I really am and you won’t believe me. I’m to afraid to get involved with you or even think about more then FWB all cause of one thing. That daughter of yours. the one you didn’t mean to have, the drunken black out one, the one you aren’t aloud to see cause that stupid bitch mother. The one who you’re going to fight for once you have a job and home of your own. The one I’m going to help you fight for any way I can. The baby’s not the problem, the problem is me. A baby, isn’t something I wanted anything to do with for a few more years. This baby isn’t even mine. but I know you love your daughter so much and I know you want her. That is why I haven’t left. You are trying, which is more then I can say for most.

    Even with all the problems you’re having you were still there to help me, even though we had just become friends, we hadn’t seen each other in years nor did we ever hang out before. You still helped me. When my “best friend” abandoned me you were right there. Our first time hanging out was the best. We spent hours just talking. then we went to the park and when I told you I wanted to get fucked up and have some fun for once [something along those lines] you asked if I wanted to smoke a bowl. I’d only gotten stoned once before and that was with my sister. I said yes and we spent hours in the park that night just talking more. I asked if I could lay on you, I was afraid it would be weird for you. You welcomed me with open arms and a very comfy body. That night I was truly happy.

    You say you like me, but do you mean as just friends cause at times you seem like my presence doesn’t matter, but that’s usually what happens when you give a geek a Wii. Other times you hold me close and tell me you care and that I’m beautiful and sexy. I’ve asked you not to cause I don’t feel that way. You told me not to tell you what to call me. I can’t help but blush when you call me beautiful. When we first had sex it was emotionless just for fun Fucking. Now though. Now it feels more real and when I kiss you I smile an honest smile of bliss.

    You tell me you like me and that you care but in your mind what does that mean? When the subject of what ‘we’ are came up we were both hesitant and you waited for me to answer I took the safe road and said I don’t know friends with benefits, you didn’t comment. Later I said this is what happens when I date nerds, I lose their focus to games. You responded with surprise and I believe a smile “Oh so we’re dating now?” I giggled and said no. I don’t wanna ruin what we have. I like you a lot but I am scared. After how he broke my heart, not long ago, along with the others who just abandoned me, I’m just waiting for you to do the same. You get mad at me when I say things like, “I give you a month” or “People don’t last long around me, we’ll see how you do”. and other probably worse things. It’s just my mind’s way of preparing.

    We fight a lot, well not fight but upset each other often. I’m unstable at the moment and you’re broken and empty on the inside. It saddens me to see you like this. Like we said, This is the worst time for either of us to come into each other’s lives. Time will tell what ‘we’ are. I don’t care right now, as long as you stay my friend.

    My concern is whether or whether not us being anything would be a good idea much less work out. I keep wondering what would have happened. If you wouldn’t have gotten fries with me that day He never would have had a chance to bash on you and I never would have gotten mad and told him to fuck off. I wouldn’t have learned what a secret jerk He was and I would have fallen head over heels in love with Him.

    The night I told you I was gonna give him another chance you got angry at first then we calmed down and talked. Rather you talked some sense into me. You held me close all night and when I cried you held me closer. You told me you cared about me and that you didn’t want to see Him hurt me again. You were there for me at the very start of our friendship, when my best friend abandoned me and broke my heart. Now its my turn to be there for you, and for your daughter. I want to see you happy and the only way that’s going to happen is if she’s in your arms. I’m scared but for you I will be strong. You will make a great father. I just hope you get full custody and I hope its soon. That little girl needs you and you need her.

    What are ‘we’? Friends.

    – Evie

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