I made a mistake. When I told you that we could never happen, I made a mistake.
You will never how much you mean to me. You’ll never know how much I miss you. You’ll never know how much I dream of you, or how much I think about you, how much I wish I could have been a stronger person back then.
Once you told me that you’d liked me since the first day you saw me. I was sitting on the porch playing the drums with one of your best friends, my ex-boyfriend, and I think I even remember what you were wearing. I see you now in my mind, wearing all of the articles of clothing that I always told myself my perfect man would wear… the clothes that you wore daily. I see you now, grinning after I’ve just punched you because you insulted me.
Perhaps the fates will align and you will read this and you will know it’s for you. I called you Jack for a while, even though that isn’t your name. You will know that I’m sorry, sorrier than I could ever say. Maybe you will talk to me, maybe you will ask me how I am doing or how my life is going. And maybe I can get this weight off my chest. Maybe…
Or maybe your life is better off without me in it. All I know is that I am a better person because you were in my life for the short time that you were in it. You will never, even if I told you, know how much you mean to me. The world…and then some. I idolize you.
Tu Petit Chou