I was thinking about where I was this time last year with my life and the best word I could think to describe it was Lonely. Last year was the loneliest year of my life.
I am extremely lucky that I get to constantly be around people that care about me. I really didn’t understand the meaning of love and friendship, but the wonderful people in my life show me what it means a million times a day. I love them all more than anything.
I told the boy I love that he makes me feel perfect the other night. I had no idea how happy it would make him, but I was so relieved. Sometimes I speak my mind without thinking, and that would probably be the closest I’ve gotten to telling him that I love him. Usually I take my thoughts and feelings and examine them every way I can before vocalizing them. That one just slipped out. The thing is, I know that I’m not perfect, no one is, but he loves me despite my flaws and that makes me feel perfect.
The worst part of knowing that I love him is that I’m to afraid to tell him. If I do, I’m giving him the power to crush me. When I love, I love with everything in me and when I love someone and they throw it all back in my face, its hard for me to get back to letting myself feel love.
I don’t want to go back to the place I was last year. I don’t want to spend all of my time alone in a dark room trying to block out my emotions because I’m just to tired to let myself feel them anymore.
The scariest part of this is that I’ve never felt this kind of love before. It makes me feel powerful, like I can accomplish absolutely everything.
I haven’t had one bad day since we’ve been together. Not even half a bad day. This is such a comforting thought, but it terrifies me. He is the source of my constant happiness and he has the power to take that away. I know that we haven’t been together very long, but I can’t picture a future without him by my side. I can’t picture myself ever falling out of love.
He makes me question decisions about my future that I thought I’d made my mind up about, because all I want is to make him as happy as he makes me. Even if that means having kids someday. He is the first person to make me think that maybe having kids isn’t such a bad thing. He makes me want to have a family.
And I know that hes just waiting for me to say “I love you,” because he’s the type of person who gets to the point, but I’m a very cautious and sometimes suspicious person. It’s not something that I can’t change, and I am working on it, but after years of believing that the people around me only keep me around because they feel bad is hard to wipe from my memory.
I just need him to keep loving me. That’s all I need. His love has opened my eyes and I can see that the people around me really do care and want me in their lives. I’ve never felt this much love at once from so many people, because I never let myself feel it. There was even a time I was convinced my family didn’t love me.
I feel so much love right now that I don’t know what to do with myself. I want to be a better person for the people that love me. I will be the best I can be with their love. I can accomplish everything I need to, to get where I want to go in my life because I have them.
Love really does have the power to change people for the better.