• the F word.

    by  • November 14, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Confusion • 0 Comments


    I know you remember the night we first met. I kissed you by the pond but I was interested in someone else who I also met for the first time that night. It is strange to think that that boy means absolutely nothing to me now, and you mean more than you will ever know – But here’s the thing; I wasn’t supposed to be there that night. My parents had grounded me but then they forgot and let me go out anyway.

    I met you many times afterwards but seemed barely spoke to you really, I guess I wasn’t really interested.

    Eighteen months later I saw you at Ben’s house. You were one of 5 people I knew at that party. The other four all waltzed off but you stayed around and spoke to me. I have the image of you looking down at me as I rambled on about something completely ridiculous no doubt, and you had such a lovely smile. I gave you a little present that night which you still have in your room. That was the night I realised I liked you. That was another place I wasn’t supposed to be – I was supposed to be on the other side of London with Georgie and Jess but then Georgie was ill and we had to cancel.

    Every time I saw you after this night I barely spoke to you, not because I didn’t want to, but because I used to get shy and nervous and not know what to say – you’d never believe that if I told you. Anyway, time went by, you got a girlfriend and I tried to forget you. I nearly succeeded as well.

    Another year on, another party. I remember standing by the bar and seeing you. My heart has never beaten so fast in it’s life. I drank a lot that night, but not enough to forget the feeling of kissing you. Even thinking about it now makes my head spin – And yet again I wasn’t supposed to be there that night. The date of the party was changed last minute I would’ve been out of town on the original date.

    Nearly eleven months on from that and so much has happened. We had a relationship where we both screwed up and yet something never broke between us. When you tell me you love me now I believe it, when you touch me I can barely hold myself together. I wish I could be your girlfriend again, but the time just doesn’t feel right. It wouldn’t do us any favours. But don’t worry, because our history seems to suggest that the fates are working in our favour and therefore whatever happens in the future is the right path for us. What we have now is confusing and horribly painful for me at times, but I wouldn’t have you out of my life for all the tea in China.

    If you ever read this – which I highly doubt you will – you’ll know who wrote this straight away. Don’t tell me that you’ve read this, just know that I care about you so much more than I let on.

    I love you.


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