I’m writing the one letter I will never send, the one letter that is probably not entirely honest. Because it sucks being honest, even with myself.
It sucks to think that I have never had a meaningful relationship, scratch that, it sucks that I have never had a relationship.
It sucks that I fall in love, because things would be easier if I didn’t have you to think about. Every day, and every night.
It sucks that while traveling the world, standing in front of Picasso and Van Gogh, all I can think about is you. It sucks that while living my dreams, they are still not enough, because I can’t stop thinking about you.
It sucks that you are so genuinely nice.
It sucks that you are one of the most beautiful men I have ever met. Note I don’t just say hot or sexy, but beautiful. Because beauty is more than just looks, sexiness and hotness.
It sucks even more that you are also hot and sexy.
It sucks that I can look into your eyes and feel as if I don’t need anything else in the world, as if you are all that matters.
It sucks that as you flash that smile I think, that at that moment, I’m all that matters to you in this world.
It sucks even more that after those few moments I’m brought back to reality. The reality where you are just the nice guy who smiles that way to everyone.
It sucks that I will never truly get over you. I’ll meet other people, I’ll fall in love – more than once, but I will never truly be over you, because I don’t want to.
It sucks that I wouldn’t trade this pain for anything, if it meant I would have never met you at all.
It sucks that being in love with you makes me want to do thigs I would otherwise hate. Like staying in this wretched town if it meant staying with you.
It sucks that I am not good enough for you, it sucks even more that I don’t have the will power to change for you, or me.
But what sucks the most, is that you’ll never know any of this. We’ll meet for coffee once again, we’ll talk about school, the future, plans. I’ll look into your eyes, and once again think I don’t need anything else in the world. You’ll flash that smile and I’ll feel like at that moment, I’m all that matters to you in the world. But I’ll come back to reality, I’ll smile back, say this was fun and we should do it again. And we’ll part once again as friends, you’ll never know how much I love you, and I’ll never have the courage to be completely honest with you.
Because, after all, I’m not even being honest with myself!