• i miss you

    by  • November 14, 2011 • Addiction, Letting Go • 0 Comments

    I know the only way to happiness is a life without you. You have caused me so much pain, hurt me so much, I have become blind to anything that feels good.

    You abandon me. You are darkness, my weakness, my habit.

    You are heroin dripping through my veins. Months have passed and I still crave more, to feel that delicious DROP because I feel your skin against mine, because I can see in your eyes how much you love me.

    Now I wonder if I imagined it all. I know I didn’t. It was real. The only thing you have to offer me is darkness and destruction.

    You are truly everything bad for me.

    The only guy I ever felt similar about is a complete psycho. I think you are too, truth be told. There are too many similarities between you and him. I just had to walk away from him, to destroy every connection he had to my life. I had to pretend he never existed in order to move on. I think I am going to do the same thing with you. It breaks my heart, I hate him now and I know this will lead to my hating you. You, who I loved so much.

    It is time to move on now. Yes, I am an addcit, I am addicted to you, but it is time to rip you out of my veins, to erase any trace of you in my life, to start over, to start new.

    I remember the first time we broke up. Do you remember that snowstorm? I never told you how I spent those nights. How I wound up with this guy named Shane and his best friend at an expensive condo drinking expensive wine, until his friend drifted off to sleep, how Shane and I fucked on the couch, how his best friend woke up and joined us. It was delicious, the three of us together over and over again, falling asleep in each other’s arms. The snow falling down outside.

    My whole plan back then was to make you fall in love with me, to make you fall for me the way I had fallen for you and then dump you on your ass. The only problem was that I still loved you, and at the end of the day, I am not a cold-hearted person. I couldn’t do it. So I broke things off with Shane and every other guy that followed out of some sort mis-guided allegiance to you.

    You will be my destruction if I stay. I know this. That is why I have to keep walking away. Even if it makes me hate you. Even if it makes me cry.

    Today, tonight, I will just try to remember that night in the snow and how good it felt to be loved by two men, to be worshiped. How everything I ever thought about loving people was incorrect. How it doesn’t have to be limiting or a choke-hold on your throat that never wants to let you breathe. How it’s not heroin dripping through your veins, but a warm constant hand.

    God, this is my prayer, please let me kick this habit. I want so much to be healed.

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