• I can’t do this anymore.

    by  • November 14, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Letting Go • 2 Comments

    I don’t know what I’d do without you. I know that I lived most of my life without you, but you’ve changed me and I don’t ever want to go back. I can’t go back. I wouldn’t be able to live like I used to. I wish I could tell you the truth. Not only the truth about the fact that I’m fairly sure I’m in love with you, but also the truth about everything; everything that I think and do and why I think and do those things. I know you want that. I know that you want to know me on that level, but I’m afraid that I’ve built far too many barriers to allow that at this point. You can’t give me what I need, and what I need is to be honestly loved. You can’t let yourself get that close to me, and I completely understand. When you try to fix me, I wish I could tell you that your efforts are futile or that it’s just not worth it. In fact, I have told you that, you just don’t believe me. But you should. You should believe that I am a very broken person. I don’t know what it’s like to be close to someone, and for some reason, I find it hard to believe that I ever will. I don’t want to hurt you, and I don’t want to get hurt, but I don’t know how to tell you that. I can’t tell you to stay away from me because that would cause both of us far too much pain. I can’t disappear because I know you’ll find me. And I can’t let you go because I’m too afraid to lose the one true thing that I’ve loved in so long. But I can’t keep torturing myself like this. I can’t continue falling for you and you either being oblivious or rejecting me. I don’t know what to do anymore and it’s a terrible feeling. I just wish that you could view me in a light that you could love. I wish you could see me for what I am, because I know, if you didn’t have all of those walls put up, you would be able to love me. If you could get over her, you would love me. If you could get past all the superficial things in our lives, you would love me. And I’m sorry that I can’t say this to your face, but I know that you need to hear this at some point. I hope that one day you will find this. I hope that one day you’ll understand what it’s like to feel like this and understand why I might have done what I’ve done. I love you, and that’s all that matters here. Just remember that.

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    2 Responses to I can’t do this anymore.

    1. Amy
      December 29, 2017 at 1:19 pm

      This is exactly how I’m feeling right now. How we are as a “couple”. Two broken people who are having a difficult time forgiving ourselves for our pasts and believing that we’re worthy of the love that we have to offer each other. I have never felt this kind of hurt before. I don’t know how to work through this.




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    2. PeterC
      December 30, 2017 at 11:50 am

      Hi Amy – that is a difficult and painful awareness. When we are with another, there are always three; you, he, and the couple. The couple is something new, and you may find the couple experiences things, does things, that bewilder, enrage or dismay each individual.

      Would you ever consider couples therapy? If so, I would strongly urge you to consider Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). Find someone nearby trained in EFT. It’s the best, most proven therapy for working with couples and making real change, quickly. I suspect you deserve to feel better than you do, and I suspect you both would wish to have a happier relationship. Why not try?

      PeterC




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