• Control

    by  • November 14, 2011 • * Safe for Work *, Anger • 0 Comments

    I’m moving on to recovery mode now.
    I’m acting as robotic and withdrawn as possible.
    biking
    Workout
    college
    workout
    jog
    clean
    shower
    bed
    *beep*

    I’ve shut down all of my social links, most of which aren’t actually around at the moment anyway.
    But I want them all to know that this is a sign that i’m getting better, not worse.

    People only seem to think i’m depressed when I start recovering because I act out as much as I can when I feel like killing myself, and the mood swings around that time are as likely to make me look like a happy clown as they are to make me look like a raging psychopath.

    I still feel it, this last week i’ve felt like glaring at, hi-fiving, punching, hugging, kicking, kissing, screaming, beating and loving the shit out of the people that all just happen to look my way these last few weeks.
    But i’ve done nothing but look over, and look away.

    Instead i’ve exercised and studied more than I have at any other stage in my life, even that anoerexic stint I pulled as a pre-teenager that I still havn’t told anybody but jess about.

    Since the night I spent on a bridge telling people I really wanted to kill myself via text i’ve been acting like this, knowing that I had to stop acting on impulse or I would harm myself or somebody else.

    It’s acting like this that brought me back from bad places before, and it WILL work again if I keep it up.
    The manic depressive state will pass as long as I keep it up.
    Je suis un robo. Beep.

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