I think I’ve finally figured out why I’ve never actually been able to get you out of my head. I never got the closure I needed. Sure, we were never in a relationship, but you were my best friend. The only one I could count on for anything. You were there for me when no one else was, and sometimes, I think you were the only one that cared. You got me through those first couple of years in high school, and I honestly believe I am the person I am today because of you. Sadly, it isn’t your positive influence that made me this way, it was the negative one. Sure, you said you wanted the best for me. You told me not to smoke, not to drink. I didn’t listen. You said you’d always be there for me. That you were just a phone call away.
Those were lies. I knew it all along, but didn’t have the heart to actually believe it. Until the day I found out it was true. Sometimes, I find it hard to believe that you were ever really my friend at all. Did you ever actually care about me? Deep down, I really think you did, but it takes a lot of convincing for even me to believe it. Everyone always told me (and still tells me on the rare occasion you come up in conversation) that you were an ass and that they don’t see why I was ever friends with you. I still stick up for you, you know. I tell them you were never like that with me. That you were my big brother and I looked up to you. With me, you were a completely different person. You were caring, genuine, and kind. You looked out for me and I needed you in my life.
Would you like to know what you taught me? You taught me that I am the only person on this earth that I can trust. That I’m the only person I can depend on. The only thing in this world that doesn’t change is the fact that people change and there is nothing anyone can really do about it but accept it. You were such a giant part of my life for so long, then one day you were gone. Just like that. Maybe it would have been easier to accept if our friendship ended when you left for school a thousand miles away, but no. You cut me out of you life before that and I had to go on seeing you at school and around town. Then finally you went away to college and on the rare occasion that we spoke, you told me I could call you, that you’d always be there for me. More lies. Fuck you.
So here it is. Here’s my closure that I have to find and give myself because just like that birthday present, you’re never going to give it to me. I’ve grown up and turned into a really great person and you’ll never have me in your life again. It will take some major convincing on your part to ever get me to be your friend again, and you know what? You’re missing out on a truly great friendship. So once again, fuck you. Part of me wants to hate you, but to hate you, I’d have to care. I’m indifferent to you, now.
Have a nice life, bud.