Time and time again I try to write to express any and all discomfort or pain I have…
It ALWAYS comes down to you, even things that seem they could have nothing to do with you.
Today, I looked at my hands for a good 30 minutes just thinking… these probably look like your hands… my eyes, they probably look like yours too. It’s absolutely mind blowing that I can be a PART OF YOU and have no clue who you even are.
How can I share blood, family, and physical appearance with someone, having never met them, and expect to function normally?
IT’S NOT FAIR. I appreciate the fact that you realized my life would be terrible if you had tried to raise me, but for god’s sake did you think I would be normal? Every single person I know knows their parents, where they come from, their grandparents and siblings. I don’t, and I struggle with it every day.
I just want to see you, to know that you’re a good person… to just know who I am. I can’t even fabricate stories about meeting you because I can’t even begin to picture you. I just want time with you, to do all the things we never did…. everything a mother and daughter should do growing up.
I have good parents, they support me and give me way more than I need or deserve, but nothing they could ever do would come close to what knowing you would do.
I’m doing such cool stuff with my life, I’m the most successful 19 year old I know, and I just wonder if you would be proud… you’re my mother. MOTHER. that’s such a strange word to me.
I don’t want to be angry or sad anymore.